Hi everyone,
This is my first post, though I've been lurking around this forum for some time. I need advice, I am stuck and desperate.
I dont even know where to start. My husband of 7 years and I met our first week of college. We began dating within a few months and have been together ever since. While we dated we had a great sex life and then one day I just stopped wanting it. It just switched off. One night he and I had taken intimate pictures of one another, which was a huge leap of trust for me. The very next day while I was at work he logged onto a chat room and exchanged those pics of me (and of himself) with another man. I found out the next morning, as he used my computer and didn't bother to cover his tracks. I was devastated. This betrayal hurt me immensely and we fought. He didn't mean to do it, he didn't know why he did it he couldn't stop himself. We thought we had worked through it, I thought I had forgiven him. I've come to realize in therapy (just last week, though ten years later) that this is most likely why I have stopped wanting sex with him. Thinking back, this is when the desire stopped for me.
Flash forward 8 years we were now married. He was diagnosed with Adult ADHD. This was huge. While we loved each other very much his adult adhd was driving a huge wedge between us. I didn't understand the constant lack of respect I felt, he was constantly doing things without thinking, hurting me emotionally, draining me of my self esteem, all the while telling me I was a controlling screaming banshee. While he was in the midst of therapy and learning how to live with his adhd I ended up finding comfort in an affair. I began seeing my old boss, who always told me how smart, funny, sexy etc I was. Things my husband never told me or made me feel, things I was afraid to tell him I needed, things I didn't know I needed, until someone else pointed it out to me. My husband found out about it and said he immediately forgave me and we began counseling. We have been able to work through it, we've learned how to be completely honest with each other whether what we had to say would be hurtful or not. At least that's what he said. He's been working on himself and his esteem for 4 years now. I'm only just strong enough to confront my daemons, now that I'm not giving everything I had to him. I know I have to build myself back up (btw, both of my parents were alcoholics, so I'm learning how that has been a factor in my life and codependency issues with my husband).
So with his diagnoses and after two years of medication modification we are doing great. He has been open and honest with me about everything. Due to all the damage that the adhd has done to us and me, I've had a hard time trusting his reaction to my feelings and thoughts, afraid of his reaction. I'm just beginning to try to trust that he wont react with anger and fear and yell and admonish me for the way I feel or for the things I thought. I wasn't even able to tell him my dinner preferences. For instance, the conversation would have gone "what do you want for dinner, I'll make you anything?" So I would say "chicken" and he would reply, "I'm not making chicken pick something else" I would feel like "why ask and offer me something I want, if you're not willing to give it and make me feel bad for wanting it". We've been able to work through all of that.
The only problem that was now keeping us from being blissfully happy was or lack of sex life. Once a month was average. I spoke with my therapist about it and she asked that the next time he approached me to feel and recognize my feelings. So I did. and to my horror I realized that I cringed! After we have gone through and overcome so much, why can't I make love to the man I love and love more and more each day. So I went back and spoke with my therapist again. She asked if I had trouble with having sex with anyone else. The answer, no. Just my husband. I had an affair and had no problem having sex with him. So she feels I have been unable to forgive him for sending out those pictures 10 years ago. And that me withholding sex was either a type of self protection or vengeance reaction. Those pictures were so intimate, so scary and something that I trusted him with and he betrayed me with them. It's like I was saying to him "you want to throw that part of me away, you can't have me that way anymore". I didn't realize that's why I didn't want sex with him. I always thought it was somthing else. Not wanting to face the pain of what he did I swallowed it, and that pain came out in this passive aggressive way.
I ended up telling him all of this last night. That I had been unknowingly with hoing sex from him b/c of the pics. That I had no issues with sex, just issues with sex with him. As you can imagine this was hurtful to hear. I probably could have been more gentle about it, I admit that. but in the essence of being completely open and honest I felt I had to say this to him to help with my healing, and finally to fix the last thing holding us back. This morning he says he wants to work through this, we've put so much work into our life so far that we can't turn our back and quit over this. But his self esteem is shot, he doesn't know when he'll be able to be intimate with me again, be/c why would he want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with him?
So my questions are: How can I forgive him for sending out those pictures? How can I be intimate with him again? How can I help to reestablish his self-esteem, which I have crushed, yet again.
Thank you for reading, I see this is long and in depth.
Topic: I have unknowingly screwed up my marriage- HELP! (Read 1392 times)
July 17, 2010, 08:59:28 PM