Just joined... some help..

[MoonShadow]

Hello, I just joined this forum and thought I would try to get some suggestions from people here, and to just talk this out with other people, as I've never really been able to openly talk about these issues.   

When it comes to relationships in my life.. be it dating/intimate... relationships with family and friends... I'm just really not good with them.

I have a pretty good idea what the MAIN reason for this is, I'm just not really sure what to do about it. 

To start, I'm now 27yrs old.  I'm a female, and in those 27yrs I've really only ever had one serious relationship.  The other few have been rather casual.  I know I have abandonment issues from when I was a little kid.  I do not know anything about my father.  Never met him, don't even know his name.  My mother has always been very secretive and private about sharing any information about anything.  I also have a twin brother.  When my brother and I were young, roughly 5-6 yrs of age my mother and her boyfriend just packed up what they could one day and left us behind.  Didn't say anything to anyone, they just left us.  We lived with our grandparents (moms parents) from then on out.  My mother was gone for 2yrs. 

When I started high school, roughly 14-15yrs of age I did move back in with my mother, my brother never did.  He remained living with our grandparents until he moved out and got married.  I can't say moving back in with my mom was probably the best idea, but I did it.  We never really got along and for obvious reasons never had a normal relationship.  When I was 23 (4yrs ago) I moved out on my own, and now live 6+ hours from any of my family.  I live alone, and for the most part I think I'm fairly happy with things the way they are.  In those 4yrs I have only been back to see my family twice.  They have been down here twice as well.  The most recent "visit" was about a month ago and that I think is the reason I am feeling like I am lately, and all these emotions have come back, that I usually just sort of keep to myself.  Its harder and harder for me to keep it to myself though.  Every time a visit comes up, when I either have to go back home or they are coming down here, a couple weeks before I always get really stressed and upset and get a lot of anxiety about it.  In the past this has even affected jobs.   

I'm horrible at relationships.  Dating wise, I've only had 1 serious relationship because I just cannot fully trust the guy and cannot feel 100% connected.  As soon as he starts to get more serious I push them away.  The last relationship was about a year ago, and I did this very same thing again.  Seemed like a really nice, caring guy, but after a while he just came on as way to clingy and needy to me and after a while that made me mad and I pushed him away.   I'm a very private person and need my space, and just have a hard time really opening up to people.  There is always this doubt in the back of my mind that keeps me from really trusting people.

Lately I just tell myself at this point in my life I really do not want a relationship, but at the same time the idea of spending life alone does not sound appealing. 

I just really don't even know what to begin to do, to try to work these things out.  I've really have never had anyone I felt I could truly open up to, so just really confused, stressed and upset about it all. 

[nel]

hi,
  i'm also new to this and at 28yrs i've had my fair share of relationship issues and attachment and intimacy difficulties. it sounds to me that because you were abandoned by your father at such a young age and then by your mother at such a crucial age that these issues may be why your having difficulties within your relationships. the reason you may have such difficulties in being able to spend time with your family is because of all the hurt they have caused you in the past. your mother leaving you and your brother without any explanation must leave you with feelings of anger, frustration and confusion and maybe even a little self blame. it sounds like your carrying the traumatic experiences of your childhood into your adult life and adult relationships. the fact you find it hard to trust and be intimate with men may be rooted in having the sense of total abandonment by your father as a young child. generally as a female your attachment figure growing up would have been your father as it is he who will determine your attachment in your adult relationships with men. no wonder you find it hard to trust men as you must have a very strong fear that they too will abandon you. not having learnt from him how to form an intimate loving relationship may also be adding to your difficulties. your self worth has been damaged by all the loss you've endured in your life and so hence your self-esteem and confidence may be at an unhealthy functioning level. although you feel you can live your life happier at a 6 hour distance from your family i wonder are you living your life free of your past?you seem to have a lot of emotion that you have had to repress and the more you resist it the more it will persist. untill you can go through the pain your inner child has endured you may find it harder to get over your past and you will continue to carry it into your future.  have you considered seeking counselling so that you may be able to deal with your past issues so that you may be freer of the hold it is having over your present reality?  i've been in counselling for over 4 yrs and i have been in training to become one with the last 3 yrs. it helped me immensely to resolve the past hurt and pain i had in my own life, to deal with how i was living my own life and raise my self-esteem and confidence levels. i wish you well.

[daftcow]

I think Nel is right.  I think you need to seek the help of a professional counsellor to work through these issues.

There is a lot of stigme attatched with seeking this sort of support but believe me it isn't what people think it is.  I sought the help of a counsellor last year and I was lucky enough to have my work pay for the sessions.  I just talked through things, and my counsellor offered ideas but really I just found the answers by myself.

I think in your case, it really is the route to take and you will feel the benefits if you stick to it!

Good luck, please let us know how you get on.

Ali x