Long Time Absent Father

[ZigZagJon]

To cut a very long story very short ...

I have a 34 year old daughter (and 4 grandchildren) that I have never seen

I was 19 and her mother was 16, I made her pregnant, denied it and walked away

I have been trying to find my daughter since 1995

In May I found her mother who is living abroad (I live in UK). I contacted her by email (the only way I have of contacting her) and she  was very gracious, forgave me and said she would do all she could to help reunite us - she told me that my daughter has always known of "a father" but never expressed any wish to pursue the matter

I said that I would send my daughter an email through her mother - which I did in July. I have not heard anything from her mother since then - despite me sending several emails. So I don't even know if her mother passed on my email to her

Now, here's the real nasty bit - her mother is seriously ill with Cancer and I have to say that, from what I can glean, her outlook seemed pretty grim

Now, I feel reasonably confident that I can now trace my daughter and I believe she lives locally - although I have yet to prove this

On the assumption that I can trace her, how do I proceed from here - I am really concious that this is a very unique situation and I really want to make sure I don't screw it up

I am also very concious of the fact that if her mother has died then this complicates the matter even more

Any advice, comments, etc

[Shell]

Welcome to the forums!  I love the name, btw.

First of all, I'd want to start by telling you I found your story very touching.  I never met my biological father.  I'm 27, married with a little boy and another on the way. 

I was raised by another man, who treated me as if I were his own and I will always call him Dad.

I found out he wasn't my real father when I was 13 years old.  James (bio father) also left my mother when he found out she was pregnant with me.  They were both young and he did what many boys did in a panic.

I have a sister from James who worked very hard to get in touch with me - she finally contacted me three years ago.  The part that irks me is that once in a while she'll say, "Dad says hi and he'd love for you to talk to him."

Not once has he asked my mother (whom he bumps into quite a bit lately) for my address, e-mail, phone number, etc.  He actually only tells her that he'd like for me to call him sometime, in a very small-talk-didn't-mean-it-but-felt-I-had-to-say-it kind of way.

So, ZigZagJon, I applaud you for actually wanting to take that step and reach out to her.  I hope very much that she will consider your efforts and treat you kindly.

I think the best way to make that first contact with her should be in a very non-threatening way.  A letter or an e-mail would be a good way because any contact you make might or might not surprise her.  This kind of surprise might result in a bad reaction or a good one -- either way, you'll want her to have time to absorb it all before responding. 

Please be aware that she might respond angrily.  Girls always desire to have a dad, growing up.  Fathers teach us what to look for in men.  With my situation, I felt unwanted by my real father and as if I were no good.  My dad (the one who raised me) treated me like a princess but he beat the crap out of my mom.  So I didn't get to learn nice lessons about men.  Your daughter may or may not blame you for some of her mistakes in relationships.  She might still be hurt from your betrayal.  I pray that if this is the case, that she will overcome her anger and accept your presence in her life.  I sometimes think about my real father and there's always a teeny bit of a wish that he would want me in his life.

Another circumstance might be that she might have accepted your nonexistence long ago and may seem indifferent to it now.  If this is the case, your appearance in her life might confuse her.

OR she might by overwhelmed with joy that you have decided to seek her. 

I know I'm not much help.  The only thing I can suggest is to contact her through writing so that she has time to collect her thoughts and feelings. 

I wish you all the best in contacting her and I truly applaud you for doing this. 

[corwin137]

Props from me too ZZJ.

My girl is also adopted, knows where her bio dad is, has not yet contacted him.  She would be thrilled if he made the effort.  That said, we of course can't know how your daughter would react.

I'd suggest the simplest email/letter whatever possible.  Something to the effect of, "Will apologize in advance for making this short.  Am only doing so, as to make it possible for you to choose to have more contact or info if you like.  Would love to have any kind of contact you like.  Here's where to find me..."  That sort of thing.  Doesn't give too much info in case it might be clumsy for her, but gives her enough info/empowerment to connect.

Would argue that no one has the right answer.  As I oft tell people in my life- it's of equal import that we learn how we would prefer to ideally do things as it is that we do them "correctly".  Wishing you both the best of luck and wisdom...

[Shell]

As I oft tell people in my life- it's of equal import that we learn how we would prefer to ideally do things as it is that we do them "correctly". 

Nicely stated.

[SWM]

greetings ZigZagJon
i like the name too, does it reflect a psychological state of toing and froing?

when i first read your post i thought i would leave it and have a think about what you are asking for and i would compose a response that would help me to help you understand your situation. 

i did this because i was thinking i dont know what it is like to be in your situation. the situation of wanting to establish a relationship with somebody that doesnt really know you. i came back and i read cecile and corwins posts and realised that this situation is much closer to me than i first recognised and that my experience may be of value.

much like cecile my bio-father left my mum when i was conceived. my father moved to the other end of the country and i was only vaguely aware of him because my mother occasionally reminded me of his existence.

i remember feeling that my bio-father had rejected me and mum and had ran away to live with his other family, whom he prefered over us. along with this was a feeling that if he did not want us then we did not want him. i remember vaguely the subject of my father being raised and i was adamant that i wanted nothing to do with him. as a child i was not very skilled at being a person and i was prone to become confused by my emotions and make poor decisions. on reflection i think it was my right as a child to be confused and to exercise poor judgement.

around the age of fourteen i was told by mum that biological dad had died from a brain tumor. i had no sense of an appropriate response. how should i respond. i dont know now and i certainy didnt know then.
at that time in my life i had no feelings for him, he was a nothing to me not even a disappointment. my reponse was along the lines of "so what"..."am i supposed to feel something"

after his death i thought more about him, about what he was like and about his other family. where they were and what were they like, would they look like me, do i look like him, etc.

this interest grew stronger between the ages of twenty two and thirty, i thought about making contact with his family, but questioned whether that would do more harm than good. i really wanted for them to take an interest in me, to come and find me, i hoped that one day, somebody would knock at my door and say "i have tracked you down, i am your half brother/sister" they would have all the missing pieces to my genetic puzzle.

i now feel like none of that matters, i know who i am, i have no need for missing pieces, i have no missing pieces.

i realise that my need to know my father was not about knowing my father but about knowing who myself. for me it would still be interesting to know more about him but i no longer need it.

[ZigZagJon]

Thanks for all the comments and advice - it really is appreciated and I will take them onboard

That's the problem with a situation like this - there are so many "what if's", so much guessing

The other thing I really need to bear in mind (and I do have difficulty reminding myself) - that although I have been looking for nearly 14 years now, this is gonna be all totally new for her. So the point made about a brief, relatively 'neutral' letter is probably the best way forward
 
It's interesting, but then I suppose 'normal' really, that when I embarked on this journey about 13 years ago my main intention was just to give my daughter the opportunity to know something about her genetic history from my side. And, I have to say, a whole load of curiosity from my point of view. How that has changed since I saw a picture of my granchildren (I found on the internet)

Anyway, I am waiting for an email that will confirm that the person that lives locally is my daughter - or not!

If it is not, then I am back to 'square one' because It seems that I now have no way of contacting her mother

ZigZagJon - sorry, nothing clever there, it's the cigarette papers I use

I will keep you posted

[Shell]

Jon (can I call you that for short?), just wanted to add an extra "good luck" to your day.  I hope you do get to find her soon.  13 years of searching and wondering is a long time.  I pray all goes well with this journey!!

BTW, I thought your zigzag wasn't for cigarettes, but for the other kind of smoking.  hehehe

[norma]

Jon,  (using Cecile's name for you)
I have to agree to try to approach her very non threateningly....   Cecile  perhaps your bioDad is afraid you will reject him immediately if he tries to contact you, so he asks your sister to say hi....IMO.   just maybe.

I wish both of you the very best.  It has to be very difficult on both sides and my heart goes out to you.   

[corwin137]

Any updates here Jon?

[ZigZagJon]

Well, this is an odd day ....

Last thursday I had an update from a friend of mine who was trying to confirm that the address I had for my daughter was actually the right address - and that is not looking good

On friday I went to visit a mutual friend of my daughters mother (if that makes sense), and she did not know how my daughters mother was either - she was very shocked to hear how ill she has been. But, on the positive side she said that she would try and find out what she could and get back to me

it is now monday afternoon (14:30) and I have just received an email (thru Friends Reunited) telling me that the mutual friend has spoken to my daughter, and I now have my daughters email address - wow!

I am now gonna take a few days to try and take this all in (I am Bipolar and need to think things through very carefully), and then I can compose a reply to her

I have to say that I get the impression that her mother has passed away (but I have yet to confirm this)

So it's a sad and happy day

Thanks for you support and interest

I will keep you posted

[corwin137]

Fingers crossed. 

[Shell]

Been coming back to this thread for updates.  Am happy that you seen to have made some progress despite the sadness.

Keeping you and your daughter in my thoughts.  Please continue to update us.

[SWM]

sounds like things are going well for you.

i belive that if you want to make contact with another person and your intentions are sincere then that is what is important, the other person will appreciate the fact that you genuinely want to make contact. 

hope it turns out right for you jon

 

[ZigZagJon]

Well, this is it!

My daughter an I have been communicating by email for the past week and so far everything is positive

Her Mum passed away in July (3 weeks after her last email to me), but she never got around to speaking to her about me - it's very sad because my daughter told me she wanted to speak to her about me but, understandably, she did not because her Mum was so ill, and yet her Mum wanted to talk to her aswell

Anyway, tonight  (in 3 hours) I am going to meet my 34 year old daughter for the first time in my life

I will keep you posted

[Shell]

Woo hoo!!!  So glad things worked out well!!!

Sad about her mom's death, but am very glad your daughter has welcomed you!  This is very touching. 

Have a great time tonight, put on your best smile and be sure to look nice and neat for her. 

Congrats!!!

[corwin137]

Much hope coming your way.  Luck to you both.

[ZigZagJon]

It went really well, I was as nervous as, and so was she

She is beautiful - but the I would say that wouldn't I

For someone so young she has had some troubled times, and yet she seems such a good, strong and well adjusted person - which from the little I knew of her mother, that is, just like her mother

A strange experience (in the nicest possible way) - seeing someone that is 50% of me for the first time in 34 years!

Anyway, I am slowly coming back down to planet Earth and it is the end of quite a long journey and the start of a new one for me and my family - which has got to be a slow and carefully planned one

So, thanks to all of you for your support and good advice (Oh, CecileT - I 'scrubbed up' quite well on the night!)

Hey, this could be what you call a success story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nice one!

[Shell]

Yay!  This is a wonderful success story.  I'm happy for you both. 

Thank you for keeping us updated - you've both been on my mind!

Stick around, don't forget about us.

Congrats again!

[andydeskano]

It went really well, I was as nervous as, and so was she

She is beautiful - but the I would say that wouldn't I

For someone so young she has had some troubled times, and yet she seems such a good, strong and well adjusted person - which from the little I knew of her mother, that is, just like her mother

A strange experience (in the nicest possible way) - seeing someone that is 50% of me for the first time in 34 years!

Anyway, I am slowly coming back down to planet Earth and it is the end of quite a long journey and the start of a new one for me and my family - which has got to be a slow and carefully planned one

So, thanks to all of you for your support and good advice (Oh, CecileT - I 'scrubbed up' quite well on the night!)

Hey, this could be what you call a success story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nice one!

Wow.. I'm happy for you ZigZagJon. You know that ussually in the same situation like yours, there were much hatred involved. But I'm glad everything is went well. Now it's time to look for new horizon.

[Shell]

Andy (hope it's okay that I nicknamed you), thanks for bumping this up.

Jon, how is everything going?  Hope to hear about the progress of things.

Hoping things have continued to be great between you two!