Mother Issues - Men who hate women..

[groucho_uk]

Mother Issues - Men who hate women..

Mother split up with her life partner. She had to sell our old house and move to a smaller house in a village.
I came back from Uni to help her move and deal with the situation.
Now it's just her & I in this small bungalow.
I have a Older Brother and Sister who are both have there mother and Father Issues.
They deal with it by moving away. My biological father moved away awhile ago (emotionally and physically).

She's the nicest woman and is dealing with all the changes in her life in a healthy way, She's even dating again.
All it feels like is she's trying to prepare me for the future when all i want to do is travel the world in
a VW van which i know isn't possible in my finical situation & i feel she still needs my support to sort out
this new house.

Mother & I are very similar except at the moment she seems happy and always wants to talk about her day.
Every word that comes out her mouth or music she plays feels like a rusty nail on a chalk board.
This hate that i feel is far too overwhelming. I keep my anger bottled up because i know saying horrible things like
"why don't you Fuck off & die" will not help the situation. I have tried to explain why i feel so angry towards her but nothing helps.
 I might feel a bit of euphoria after a long verbal aggressive argument where i feel my objective isn't
complete until she cries.

I have a slight understanding on why i act like this - http://relationships.blog-city.com/men_who_hate_women_2.htm

This does not mean i have a solution but only a path i can start walking for a solution. I know running away should not be the solution?

Any advice or book suggestions would be most appreciated?

[Sparrowhawk1161]

I hated my mother when I was young...she wanted me to be the perfect English child in USA 70's world.  I never seemed to make her happy.  I stayed away from her as much as I could.  The abuse was unbearable...I wasn't born out of love.  I was born to save their marriage...and if I didn't behave?  They would threaten me with their divorce...

Until...

I moved out!

Then, it all changed.  She was much more kind and appreciative since I was never around to pick on.  Then, my father died and all she had was me and my older sister.  My sister told me she would rather my mom died than her father.  My mother was quite alone...

Now, my mom only has two relatives no longer living with her... me and my sister.  I saw a change in my mother.  I think she was frightened of being alone.  Without me and my sister.... were the only family she's got.

She became much more kind.  She has tried her best to make up for what went wrong in our lives...

My response?

I love her dearly now.  She wasn't a good mother.  But, she is great woman now...

I forgave her...by choice...and now?  I'd do anything for her.  She's old.  One day she'll pass away.  The last thing I want is for her to think I will never be there.  When she does pass away, I want to be holding her hand...knowing she is finally loved...

I know this sounds like sentimental crap
But...who deserves a life time of punishment?  Me or her?

It's my choice to love her.  And, I will keep doing so....

PS.

I'm not saying we must not hate our mothers.  This is just one story out of many...

[acousticeagle]

Honestly, I don't think, from what you've put in your post, that I would class you as a man who hates women! I would personify this less and say that you hate the situation in which you've found yourself in with your mother. After all, you say, "She's the nicest woman and is dealing with all the changes in her life in a healthy way,"

The thing is she's your mother and you've got that sense of obligation to help her because you're her son. This is pretty normal. What's not good for you - and what about your situation that you're loathing - is the fact that
"Now it's just her & I in this small bungalow. "

We want to be 'there' for our parents, but you're at an age where you are your own person - and you cannot be what you think your mother requires you to be. You find you cannot be yourself with her? This is so normal, don't consider beating yourself up about that!

The situation is an intolerable one living with your mother. Help her in all practical ways by making sure she's housed in her own place and has some outreach in the form of a friend/social network. Then she has to leave your nest - just like you left hers when your time came.

You don't want to hurt her feelings, but this you need to do for your own peace and sanity's sake. Do what you can for her and forego any false guilt about it. The rest is up to her, and she sounds young enough to make it out in the world on her own, especially as you've said she is dating.

I think that if you don't do something about your physical circumstances soon, it's possible that she may become more and more reliant upon you emotionally. You don't want to foster a co-depency with her any more than what might already be present. Your mother/son relationship with her with begin to improve again after you are not living in the same digs anymore - and there's a healthy emotional distance restored.

Make steps, young man!

[hortonpilot]

I can't see that you hate much at all, you display loyalty with little reluctance.

A line exists where you weigh what really happens in life, what people actually do and it is in opposition sometimes to blind familial love.
The account of how we act towards each other sometimes needs to be looked at, we can chose better outcomes ?

For me i have thought deeply and cautiously over the events concerning my mother and the fractured childhood i had.  I can't thank her for some of the things she did to cause the divorce or the later events.
This stuff is hard , i am committed in life to finding some of the truth in life and so it to me seems wrong to ignore the actual events as best as i can perceive them.
I do it because i want to understand rather than blame.
Some make exceptions for family but i don't seem to.

In understanding my past i think it has helped me become a better person .

I think my mother was a very manipulative person and i see the harm it does in others.


Horton

[sure]

My mother talks all my nonsense among her people.
But she never talks to me. How's yours?
I bet she's more sustainable ...
does your mum feel tr`es chic with you? mine does. She did occuppy lungs and heart and stole a laughter...
  Is your mum cured? Mine not!
E.g. Inge f*s my friends and me apart and together again.
The schizo pills I just take because of her.

[hortonpilot]

Being serious you would find love, or go thru the motions ?

Horton

[hortonpilot]

Important ,but i wonder sometimes how seriously parents take the child rearing task?