multiple fetishes and what to do?

[nivek_nailgun]

Hey all,

New here and I'm one who likes to do a lot of introspection. This is going to be sort of long so please bear with me.

I'm 36 now, and have had fetishes for as long as I recall (common I'm sure, I don't think anyone develops them in adulthood?) but cannot fathom why I have them.

First and oldest that I can recall is my tickling and foot fetish. Both are closely related to one another, as I'm sure they are with most 'ticklephiles'. An extremely close cousin of that I also harbor is my love of bondage. No light stuff either, I enjoy tying for total immobility. On top of that, I crave gagging. The package just doesn't seem complete without it. Even as I write all of this I find it arousing. Now as it sits, none of this bothers me. I am married however, and I think my wife 'puts up with it' and lets me do this to her once in a while. But it's the times in between that make it difficult. I don't believe in looking at pornography, as it's insulting to one's spouse and disrespectful. If you disagree so be it, but that's how I see it. What can I do in this case to defeat the craving between times when my wife will let me hit the 'release valve' with her? The urge to look at such images is overwhelming at times and a battle I go through; as I said, I don't want to look at pornography and so I'll find a drawing of such things or even write stories involving such things and it seems to relieve it some.

Are fetishes 'defeatable'? I'm not sure I even want to dissolve them, as I enjoy them very much. But, is there a way to control them perhaps? I'm rambling some here, I know.
Going back some, I'm pretty sure the bondage itself goes back to control issues. Especially where I wasn't raised by my mother and she left on trips often and that used to bother me a lot. I'm not a doctor, but I often wonder if that severed connection with my mother is perhaps why I feel the need and enjoy controlling in the bedroom. It seems plausible enough.
The feet and tickling fetish is bizarre to me, but as it sits, is just a part of me and I'm not sure what brings that about.

I don't know, anyone have useful thoughts along this sort of thing?

[hortonpilot]

Could be mother's have a lot to answer for?


Horton

[RogerP44]

In looking at your post, I observed you failed to mention if you had any relationship with your father. I would agree that some of the issue stems from the mothering you did not receive, but I personally, and I am on my way to becoming a PhD in psychology, I think it runs deeper than that. Perhaps you feel an inner need to be dominant. Were you possibly in another relationship where you were not the dominant partner? Or also, are you or have you had any inner feelings of possibly not being so dominant? As far as a release, why don't you attempt to channel some of that desire into some hobby, such as writing which you mentioned, erotic stories, or also you may try funneling it into something such as boxing at a local gym or weightlifting. It can be wonderful for channeling. If you could elaborate a bit more perhaps we may be able to help more. Best wishes and the best day to you.

[nivek_nailgun]

In looking at your post, I observed you failed to mention if you had any relationship with your father. I would agree that some of the issue stems from the mothering you did not receive, but I personally, and I am on my way to becoming a PhD in psychology, I think it runs deeper than that. Perhaps you feel an inner need to be dominant. Were you possibly in another relationship where you were not the dominant partner? Or also, are you or have you had any inner feelings of possibly not being so dominant? As far as a release, why don't you attempt to channel some of that desire into some hobby, such as writing which you mentioned, erotic stories, or also you may try funneling it into something such as boxing at a local gym or weightlifting. It can be wonderful for channeling. If you could elaborate a bit more perhaps we may be able to help more. Best wishes and the best day to you.

Great questions, thanks for the reply.
Well I had no relationship with my father. Left at a very young age and I never knew him. As far as other relationships go, I've always been the dominant one. But, there have been times where I've been the submissive and I found that pleasurable as well, but not as much as me being the dom.
The problem with the writing is that yes I find it pleasurable but it's not something I would ever publish/post. I am sensitive to minors whom I would rather not contribute to reading/fantasizing something improper. There's enough on the web that they shouldn't be into. But I digress. The writing seems to fuel it rather than suppress it. As for fitness, I workout daily and am deeply into the workout scene as I have been for years.
I'm not sure what sort of elaborating you're looking for. I'm fine with being open, just let me know what sort of details you're curious about?

[grasshopper]

Nailgun, the name you have chosen is indeed evocative in a disturbing sort of way, but I'd like to think there is some tongue-in-cheek humor at play in that choice of a handle.

Having lived a life of conventional sexual encounters with women who would probably have bolted at the mere suggestion of being restrained in any way, I guess I wouldn't be qualified to comment one way or the other on the S&M or bondage scene, but, I do subscribe to the view that such a lifestyle could turn physically dangerous or lethal, even to consenting participants, should things get out of hand.

The notion of methodically turning on and pleasing my sexual partner, and of making her yearn for more by doing as she asks, has always been the MAIN source of arousal for me, and perhaps because of this, the idea of dominating her in any context bears connotations of forced intimacy with an unwilling partner, which is a major turn-off from my perspective.  To each his own, I guess, but there never has been any overlap between sex and violence in my mundane life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

[nivek_nailgun]

Nailgun, the name you have chosen is indeed evocative in a disturbing sort of way, but I'd like to think there is some tongue-in-cheek humor at play in that choice of a handle.

Nah, the handle actually comes from my musical preference. Nothing sexual intended at all. But, I can see how someone could read something into that.

Having lived a life of conventional sexual encounters with women who would probably have bolted at the mere suggestion of being restrained in any way, I guess I wouldn't be qualified to comment one way or the other on the S&M or bondage scene, but, I do subscribe to the view that such a lifestyle could turn physically dangerous or lethal, even to consenting participants, should things get out of hand.

So long as you play nice, keep it consensual and respect limits, it's not a problem.

The notion of methodically turning on and pleasing my sexual partner, and of making her yearn for more by doing as she asks, has always been the MAIN source of arousal for me, and perhaps because of this, the idea of dominating her in any context bears connotations of forced intimacy with an unwilling partner, which is a major turn-off from my perspective.  To each his own, I guess, but there never has been any overlap between sex and violence in my mundane life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I am completely with you here actually. I don't desire to actually rape anyone, and find the idea horrific (I think convicted rapists should be castrated). I get turned on by someone else's level of arousal also, so we're in the same boat as far as that goes. It's not violence that arouses me, it's the control I suppose. The closest thing to violence that I reach is some spanking and definitely tickling.

[susie23]

ok first of all fetishes are natural and good for the mind and the soul.
two as long as your partner is to with it, do it.
three i think your childhood has nothing to do with it or rather it's not some pattern, i say this because i grew up with a very loving and supportive family, but i do enjoy experiencing pain and bondage when having sex (and it can be very safe) as long as it dosen't leave a permenant mark.
four trying to force your fetish into submission will proberbly result in you thinking about different scenarios at really inappropiate time. (in the office, out with friends, even cooking the dinner)
so enjoy you fetish it is just part of our your nature as a human being.

[hortonpilot]

So long as you play nice, keep it consensual and respect limits, it's not a problem.

[ruben]

Yes they are defeatable

There is a recording for this that i think you should give a listen to. It helped me get over mine about 95 percent and i only started listening to it 1 month ago

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7188752&song=Peace+of+Mind

You will need to enter the code then download it, let me know if you have any difficuilty doing this

[nivek_nailgun]

Yes they are defeatable

There is a recording for this that i think you should give a listen to. It helped me get over mine about 95 percent and i only started listening to it 1 month ago

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=7188752&song=Peace+of+Mind

You will need to enter the code then download it, let me know if you have any difficuilty doing this

Seemed to download fine, I'll have a listen, thank you.

[NataEames]

I have quite a few fetishes and i find it depressing to even think about suppressing or living without them!
I don't share them with anyone except my bf (that too not everything) but i silently enjoy it. I feel a silent pleasure from it, like a kid eating candy in bed after lights-out

[subguy2]

i think finding a partner that you can share your fetishes with is the heathiest thing you can do. some one that accepts your"kinks" and lets you play them out.
i luckily engaged to my mistress/dominatrix and we have had fantastic non judgemental communication.
surpessing them is what most people do , but it usually leads to a non content type of relationship...one of those where your not always satisfied because you just cant be "yourself"

discussing your interests to your future partners is very important, you may be surprised how many people have them, rooting from childhood, adolesence, and even developing them at adult hood.
or discovering them i should say. some fetishes are quite :bizarre" for lack of a better word to any one who doesnt have the same ideals of a turn on, ( isincerly applogize for using the b word) but
how can you explain i get turned on if you used me as your book stand or ash tray? its easier for people to accept non-objectification fetishes that involve fantisy or a physical part of the body, toes, nails, hands, hair, necks biting..etcetc than it is something that is not easily understood like rubber or objectification..

[NataEames]

I've used people as a bookstand, ashtray, ashtray stand, pillow, footstool, elbow-rest, soap-holder, decoration, candle-stick and if I go on, you'll get freaked out.

There are two people who call this stuff strange or bizarre or something else - those who don't understand it and those who think no-one else understands it so they should pretend to be normal. LOL. Most of this stuff is natural and using a person as an object can give the user and the used a lot of pleasure and happiness.

I've done a lot of researching and a lot of meditating on it so I know where most of my feelings and paraphilias come from, at what moment they began developing and how old I was.

I completely accept myself for what I am and the only reasons I don't go on and share this with the world is not that they will think I'm a freak but because they will misunderstand and demean such a precious part of me. It's like explaining psychology to a five year old for an hour and then realizing they didn't understand anything and didn't take it seriously like you do.

[jonstuard]

Accepting your self and other for who they are is very important, but you don't have to live with that.

I can think only off one solution. Meditation. There is a specific kind of meditation for such things.
The best way to start is art of living courses. There they teach you what you need.