My Controlling Parents

[rnr_2005]

Hello. I'm a 19 year old college student.  This fall will be my second year in college.  I attend a college 15 minutes away from my hometown, and I lived at home with my parents for the first year to save money.  Now that I have enough money saved, I want to move out. I am very, very, financially secure. However, my mom doesn't think it's a good idea because living at home "saves me money".  My parents have always been controlling, and I actually fear letting them down or disappointing them, so I try to do what they tell me.  I don't have a close relationship with my parents- I don't talk to them about certain topics, and I avoid being around them, and I can't be myself around them because they get upset.  It is a very frustrating situation to be in.  I need to move out because I need to find myself.  Living at home, I have a ten o'clock curfew, I have to tell them everything, and they are constantly calling and checking up on me.  It's hard for me to function as an adult and make my own choices when they are constantly controlling my life.  I know my parents do it out of love, but I hate it.  What can I do?

[voodoo scientist]

Your parents have no functional authority over you beyond what you let them have. You're letting them employ the threat of a negative reaction to control your life without considering your situation in a rational manner.

[SWM]

please dont insult people. there are ways to communicate your point without a direct attack on the individual

[voodoo scientist]

Don't censor me, I wanted to see his reaction to my insult.

[SWM]

this is not a place for you to experiment on people

[rnr_2005]

Ok totally not helpful at all... and I'm a girl... it's not mr is R N R...

[SWM]

oh dear, milk jumped the gun again. 

Hello. I'm a 19 year old college student.  This fall will be my second year in college.  I attend a college 15 minutes away from my hometown, and I lived at home with my parents for the first year to save money.  Now that I have enough money saved, I want to move out. I am very, very, financially secure. However, my mom doesn't think it's a good idea because living at home "saves me money". 

if make a decision based on what you want then your success or failure is of your own making both yourself and your parents will know that this the outcome is the consequence of the decision you made. if you make a decision based on what your parents want your success or failure is your parents making, you will resent them and they will not know why.

My parents have always been controlling, and I actually fear letting them down or disappointing them, so I try to do what they tell me. 

many parents do this. they are unable to let a child become an adult. partly this is the nature of being a parent nurturing the young until they are old enough to leave. sometimes this role is extended and the parent is nurturing an adult child. this is not always healthy for the adult to adult relationship.

I don't have a close relationship with my parents- I don't talk to them about certain topics, and I avoid being around them, and I can't be myself around them because they get upset.  It is a very frustrating situation to be in.

this is due to what i described above. your parents are still invested in nurturing you as a child and they should be relating to you as an adult. if your parents are suffocating with their control then it is your repsonsibiility as an adult to make the aware that you are an adult. this is done by relating to them in adult to adult ways. that is negotiating, discussion, not conflict or agression. do not resort to child like behaviour, tantrums or sulking etc, that will reinforce their need to parent you. 

  I need to move out because I need to find myself.  Living at home, I have a ten o'clock curfew, I have to tell them everything, and they are constantly calling and checking up on me.  It's hard for me to function as an adult and make my own choices when they are constantly controlling my life.  I know my parents do it out of love, but I hate it.  What can I do?

talkt o them about the things you have said here. it might be useful for you to write down what you need from them. think about how you can talk to them in an adult to adult way not in a child to parent way. hope that makes sense for you.

[voodoo scientist]

this is not a place for you to experiment on people

But mooooom!!

[liza123]

this is not a place for you to experiment on people

But mooooom!!

Dear voodoo scientist, what are you going to do after experimenting with people(by hurling insults and hurting their feelings)? Are you going to write a thesis? Or is your intention to help them? How would you react if you were in the same situation? Do onto others as you would wish them do onto you'.

[voodoo scientist]

You can't know what you're going to do with information until you have it. I am, however, quite comfortable with people insulting me in order to gauge my response. For instance, this particular comment was intended to just provide information about the topic starter, but ended up also providing me with information about SWM.

What can you take away from this? Try imagining using talking like a sonar. You send out a ping (message), which rebounds off the object you're trying to measure (message is processed by brain, processing information initiates reaction), and then the response is analyzed. This helps narrow down their biases and personality, which can be used to negate the effects of poor communication skills or efforts in responses - essentially, understanding why they say what they say, so you can better judge how to weigh the veracity of their information.

[Enigma]

Hello. I'm a 19 year old college student.  This fall will be my second year in college.  I attend a college 15 minutes away from my hometown, and I lived at home with my parents for the first year to save money.  Now that I have enough money saved, I want to move out. I am very, very, financially secure. However, my mom doesn't think it's a good idea because living at home "saves me money".  My parents have always been controlling, and I actually fear letting them down or disappointing them, so I try to do what they tell me.  I don't have a close relationship with my parents- I don't talk to them about certain topics, and I avoid being around them, and I can't be myself around them because they get upset.  It is a very frustrating situation to be in.  I need to move out because I need to find myself.  Living at home, I have a ten o'clock curfew, I have to tell them everything, and they are constantly calling and checking up on me.  It's hard for me to function as an adult and make my own choices when they are constantly controlling my life.  I know my parents do it out of love, but I hate it.  What can I do?

Have you tried telling them what you've told us?  You're legally an adult; you can move out any time you want.  Like Voodoo said, they have no authority except that in which you give them.  My advice is: find a place to live, tell your parents how you feel, and move out.  They can't stop you.  You're an adult now, you can make your own choices.  If your parents can't see that, then that's their problem to deal with.  Don't let their expectations control your life.