I am in my mid 20s, so this situation may make MOST of you roll your eyes and think how stupid this is. I believe it's from lack of experience in life so I hope you all can help me out from your life experiences. 
I have HONESTLY tried finding ANY information based on my situation but it's not so easy to find! My conclusion is that... Just maybe I need someone with years of life experience to guide me on what I should do.
I will try to make it easy to understand. My situation is based on a relationship with my best guy friend and involves me struggling on 'how to let go' and at the same time 'how to build trust all over again' with the 'person who hurted me'. (and yes, it's same post from a diff. forum since I REALLY need advice)
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He and I knew each other as friends before we became a couple. We became best friends. He was a nice sweet guy back then. And back then- we were in our own different relationship with our exes. But then he was cheated on by his ex-gf (let's call her 'A') and so did my ex-bf who cheated on me. It happened to us at different time, and we had lost contact due to me and him being in different places. So we were both hurt by people. We are both rational, sensible, young good people. We do not act impulsively as many of you would think youths do nowadays. I believe it is due to our lack of experience in love & life.
~ 6 months after he and his ex broke up, He and I became a couple...
We both felt attracted to each other and it turns out that He had feelings for me ages ago before he knew A (his ex), but the reason why he never admitted to me was because I was with my ex back then. So.. like I said, we were closest friends. So we got together as a couple.
~ 1 month into our relationship later... when I thought we were both so happy, he started to avoid me for 2 weeks. Then he told me that he wanted a 'time-out', a break from our relationship, because he felt that;
a.) he was used to A (his ex) bad lifestyle that he felt he was becoming like her. He was no longer the sweet innocent guy I used to know. He wasn't sure of who he was anymore.
b.) he was being honest with me and told me the truth that he is also having feelings for another girl at his workplace. Let's call this girl 'C'. (During the time when He and I lost contact, and 'after' the breakup of 'A' ex-gf, He had feelings for the C girl at his workplace. But the reason he didn't allow himself to be with her- was becoz' she was not a citizen of our country and was only on temporary work visa. She is from Germany, so he felt there was no future with her)
Back to the story... When he realized he got feelings for C girl, he felt as if he was becoming a player- a guy such as himself- having feelings for 2 girls (me & C) plus lingering feeling of his ex (A). This girl 'C' wanted his attention. She was clearly interested in him despite the fact she knew he has a gf (which was me).
So then, he wanted 'time-out' because at that point, he didn't know what to do and didn't want to be with anyone at that point.
So I decided to be the one to break up with him. (I thought 'if he truly wanted to be with me, he'll want to get back with me'... but... he didn't).
~ It was 1 month later after our break-up... that he and 'C' girl started dating together and became a couple.
At that time... I was still waiting for him to 'sort himself out' and so surprise surprise- i was devastated when I found out.
He gave up on me already. He also never replied to me again.
Their relationship together were 4-5 months, Feb-July, before it ended as she eventually had to fly back to Germany (and to never come back again).
~ 2-3 months later... In October, he sent a message to me to wish me happy birthday and apologized for what he had done to me.
I had moved on and so it was easy for me to forgive him and treat him back as an old friend.
We eventually met up again and updated each other. We had a long talk. He felt he treated me badly and felt he did not deserve to have me as a friend since I was too kind to him. He avoided me because he felt such guilt towards me- as he and I were close as best friends in the past. He realized it was because he was 'scared' to commit to me in case he gets hurt again, just as it hurted him with 'A' ex-girl. He felt pressured and burdened with responsibility from my family and surroundings due to financial & status reasons, and the fact that I had told him I might leave to go work in another country (which he cannot go due to visa reasons). He felt scared of building a future with me.
He told me he could not believe that he had done such an action to hurt me and that he had never did such an action in his life. I was the 1st person he had treated so badly like this in terms of love-life/relationship.
Despite our mutual attraction for each other again... we both resorted to becoming 'just friends' and we even OBVIOUSLY displayed signs of restrictions in that we avoided closeness of space, eye-contact etc. We had talked how we seem to have 'attractions' for each other again, but it was obvious that he was still feeling alot of guilt towards me, and it was obvious that- that I would 'NEVER' accept him again as a potential boyfriend.
But... the more time we spent with each other, the stronger the attraction was again, and after 2 months of resisting our attractions for each other, we both finally decided to give each other another try in the relationship again.
My problem in this situation is 'the now' time. He has done no harm to me so far, he understood me completely that I STILL HAVE NO security with him, no trust in him, and still suspect him. He has been very patient with me, and have got rid of everything that belonged to 'C' girl, no contact at all with her and have left his job (for financial reason) already.
~ We are together for 1 month now... (again)...
But 'THIS TIME'- the problem is 'ME'. He was my best friend, someone I cared about and trusted so much, that trust was broken. It has hurted me, and it has become a bad memory that I can cry about when I think about the C girl, and anything associated or reminds me or link back to my memories of the C girl- I will hate it.
I have found myself sometimes still bitter about this whole thing and even have a STRONG desire to take my revenge and have an affair with someone else.
Help: a.)
How do I let go of the C girl??? I am not the kind that wants to linger on this hate. I have been a peacemaker all this time but NOW... NOW this resentment and bitterness is killing me! HOW DO I LET GO OF THE PAST?? THE HATE???!!! I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON!!!!...
b.) He and I have been together for 1 month only & ALREADY! I am suspecting him, still doubting him... How can I build my trust with the same person (who hurted me) all over again???!! I mean... how do I know that he won't leave me for another 'time-out' and go out with another girl again?? I just have no security with him... But I don't mind giving him another chance??
Topic: Need advice on how to let go & how to build trust to person who betrayed it?? (Read 1365 times)
May 04, 2009, 10:42:22 AM
