I’m desperately seeking advice on how to remedy a serious problem in my family. This directly involves my brother and his now-wife. For starters, my brother and his wife are both very immature, something my entire family and friends observe and agree on; my brother is emotionally dependent on his wife while she seems to enjoy having him on a leash, exploiting him and taking advantage of his paycheck but not respecting him.
They have been together since high school. They moved in together and eventually had two children. He kept asking her to marry him over the years and she kept holding off. They’ve bickered, shouted on the phone, and had child-like problems all throughout these years. In early 2007, she convinced him to leave her and the kids and move back in with his parents because, not being married yet, they were “living in sin” as her religion would claim. For many months, he continued paying their mortgage and financially supporting them while not living with them, thinking she would let him move back in and that they would marry. She held off marriage with ever-changing lies, and I knew she didn't want to marry him at all. By October ‘07, after constant frustrated phone tagging, she suddenly claimed that he was violent toward her and that he gave their kids nightmares. My family finally drew a line and decided that for Christmas we wanted to see his kids, whom she is extremely possessive of, without her. The day before Christmas, however, she conveniently filed a restraining order on my brother, preventing us from seeing them.
A legal ordeal ensued with my mom helping my dependent brother and driving him to court. We were granted some occasional visits from the kids and had to videotape them to prove they do not fear their father and in fact love him. During this time, his wife (then-ex-girlfriend) told the legal therapist many lies of how they had nightmares of their father. She also wished to home school them, which the doctor refused. Her manipulation prevented us from seeing the kids for several months. My brother finally saw them in the psychology office and burst into tears. His wife, who clearly seemed to be trying to wipe their dad’s existence from their lives, tried to physically restrain them from seeing him as he cried in this occasion.
By fall that year (2008), she suddenly wanted to talk to my brother and they decided to get back together, frustrating, alienating, and worrying my family for what would happen. At this point, my family despised her and did not forgive her. She also never apologized to anyone, including my brother, for any wrongdoing and held to the idea that he was violent but that all the previous trouble was so she could 'cure' him. She removed the restraining order and within mere weeks, they planned to marry. Early the following year (2009), they married and began living together in an apartment (they couldn’t afford the house). I knew this would only cause more pain for them, the rest of my family, and their kids.
I was right; after two months, she abandoned him in a parking lot and after frustrated arguing, he threw a knife at a tree. He did not harm her but, in his childish anger, gets into movie-like drama and behaves foolishly. She then filed a second restraining order on him. He willingly moved back in with my family in May while she stayed in their apartment, but she now lives with a friend. Their $600 rent, for an apartment that no one inhabits, is being paid by him and he only has $40 to himself a week, willingly giving the rest to his wife. She has access to his bank account and will no doubt continue exploiting him. I’ve heard my brother loudly sob and beg her on the phone, but then she limited communication to writing letters. He clearly hopes that she will take him back and would even sob on the phone to his friends. My family knows this is crap and that they do not belong together regardless of having kids. I have not seen my niece or nephew since Easter and miss them. My delusional brother, however, blocks out any comments or advise my mom gives yet is spineless toward his wife. It’s as though he’s holding out, thinking he will prove everyone wrong and that she will take him back. Yet no one agrees with him, including his closest friends; even his in-laws, who have a notorious history of thievery and questionable sanity, think his wife/their daughter is not mentally stable and have not been able to see the kids either.
We privately blame him just as much as her for not being able to see my niece and nephew and I become very angry just thinking about this mess. Over these last couple years I’ve greatly lost touch with my brother due to his childishness and disrespect. Everything about the situation is painful. I'm the younger brother and I know he hates the idea that I have better judgment than him, so regardless of my logic, he wants to block it out. Though I know it would be hard, I feel like my family needs to practically force him into an intervention. He needs to grab the reigns of his money first, then take action on his kids. If nothing is done this situation will only become much worse before my brother finally reacts and becomes defensive of her exploitation of him. She will try to take everything from him that she can.
Topic: Need help with immature family member (Read 1432 times)
July 12, 2008, 12:14:45 PM