New Marriage Problems

[Drewau2005]

Please help. I am newly married to my wife Jayne and I said something stupid on the weeknd and now she will not have anything to do with me. I am utterly heartbroken. We have recently come back from our honeymoon and Jayne has not yet moved into my house. I had a terrible week at work last wek and was very stressed. Friends and Jayne were coming over for a dinner party on Saturday night. I hadn't heard heard from my wife for three days prior and was feeling unhappy. She texted me on Friday saying "what time will I come over on Saturday?" I replied, stupidly, "come over but it will be the last time" When she came over to the dinner party, she had no intention of staying and went to leave when the other guests left. I said we need to talk and said "can I talk tomorrow?" "She said tomorrow is a yucky day". I saw red and said that I don't want to be your partner anymore. "She said you're dumping me?" and strormed out.

I don't know what came over me. I didn't mean it. We've just come back from a honeymoon and had a great time. Our communication has been strained at times as we both dissociate a bit. Our love has never been in question. It was stupid of me to say what I did, I can only figure I said it as to get a reaction, to get Jayne to move in quickly. Now she won't talk to me at all. I have sent her flowers and if I ring she slams the phone down immediately. She thinks I was planning it but the "come round for the last time comment" was about it being the last time coming from somewhere else because I wanted her to move in. She has somewhat of a history of not coming around if someone offends her, she hasn't spoken to most of her family in years. I am really scared that she will not come back, I love her and am utterly heartbroken. I am really sorry for what I said. There has been no contact for a week now.

[seekinghga]

Short of waving a magical wand, I think the best solution would be to go to where Jayne is staying and tell her in person what you told this forum.  You might be pleasantly surprised, and at the very least you will get rid of any uncertainties you may have.  Good luck either way.

[Merana]

Yes, going to her and trying to talk would be the right thing to do. I thought of suggesting to write her a letter, but being the way she is, she might tear it up unopened. If you find it hard to talk to her, you might still write it down and hand her a letter, asking her to read it in your presence. Explain everything. When she sees what you meant, she must understand.

[daftcow]

Yes I agree with the previous advice.  But I am confused as to why you hadnt heard from her for three days.  I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend and I always make sure we talk on the o=phone at least once a day.  I cant understand why she wouldnt contact you for three days!

Also, I think some counselling for you both would be a good idea.  Becuase all couple go through rough patches and argue, and if she is going to react so extremely in every argument your relationship is doomed.  It sounds to me like she has some anger management issues that urgently need addressed if your relationship has any hope of survival.

Keep us posted and I really hope everything works out.

Ali x

[SWM]

good advice

[acousticeagle]

I think this tragedy you are currently experiencing will work out for the best when the pus inside this pimple has been lanced. 'Scuse me for the metaphor, but it just seemed to fit.

I took out a quote from your post:

She has somewhat of a history of not coming around if someone offends her, she hasn't spoken to most of her family in years.

This, I think, is where the answer lies, for it's the root of the problem. Your new wife sounds like she's super-sensitive and takes quick offence and/or hyper-reacts to criticism. It's possible that she's been wounded by the emotional relationships in her past, especially from her family. Along you come, and she's possibly put on rose-coloured glasses and maybe thought that marrying you was the emotional 'fix'.

I do not know what your relationship was like before marriage, but it must have gone well for her to consider that you, and your relationship with her, wouldn't be anything less than 'perfect'. For someone to take quick offence is someone that doesn't really know what it is to be loved - and - to forgive the misdeamenors, the failings, of others - failings that we are all too capable of having as human beings. You made an error and she took offence and locked herself down and emotionally away from you. So now she's licking her wounds, but still needing your unconditional love.

I think it's a wounded person that you love, and it will take time to win back her trust - this isn't your fault - it's just the way it is. Explain to her that you have every desire to love her emotionally and practically and to make her feel right at home with you. Tell her that the past, with her family and others, is IN the past and that the life ahead is New. This will take some time, but marriage is a life-committment and one cannot enter into that contract without the knowledge that everything within it isn't always going to be smooth sailing.

And when we do make errors in our relationships it serves to remind us that we are all needful of love and acceptance. In a way you can be her saviour, but she needs to be her own saviour as well.