Nightmares - my husband wakes me up touching me and saying really dirty things.

[ida]

Hi there

I am completely new to this forum, and I'm in need of your advice.

My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years now.
I have known from the very beginning that he has always had trouble sleeping. As a child he would have night terrors,
waking up screaming etc, and I don't think he has ever really dealt with the reasons for these nightmares. I don't even
think he knows the reasons. I assume he's afraid of learning certain things about himself or his childhood, which is
understandable, but for a while now it's been affecting our relationship.

Once in a while he will wake me up either touching me or saying dirty things, and I will have to wake him up.
The first time it happened (almost 2 years ago) was scary, because I woke up with him on top of me. He was starting to
undress me, so I tried to fight him off, but he is quite strong. I thought he was awake, and I got really scared, but he
turned out to be asleep, so I woke him up, and he had no idea what had happened.
At first I was obviously relieved that he wasn't doing this on purpose, but when I tried to talk to him about it he was very
defensive and didn't want to address it. He also became very angry with me for even bringing it up, and told me that I
made him feel like a freak. He had no understanding for the fact that I had just been woken up, feeling like I
was being assaulted.

Since then it has happened maybe about 7-8 times, and last night it happened again. The ways he wakes me up always
vary. Last night it was just really dirty words and kissing. I figure some of you will think that he just wants sex in the
middle of the night, which would be fine, except for the fact that he is not awake. He has no clue what he is doing, except
for when he wakes himself up doing it. When he wakes up he says that he was having a nightmare, and I have no idea
what I can do to help him get rid of them.

The thing that really bothers me though, is the fact that I can't really talk to him about it. He gets extremely mad, and
tells me that I'm making him feel like a bad person etc. He is the sweetest man, and I know that this pains him, but in
this situation I really feel like I don't matter. But I should matter!!! After all, I'm the one who has to lie next to him
and try to not be nervous about when this will happen again.

I guess what I'm looking for is advice from people who have had similar experiences.

To be clear, I'm staying with my husband. This is not a post about whether or not I should leave him. I love him and I'm
willing to give it a try to see if we can find out either what's causing it, or better yet what can alleviate these nightmares.

I hope someone can give a bit of advice on the subject. What do think could be causing this? And do you have any ideas
as to what could help us?

[acousticeagle]

Well, Ida, yes it's a serious problem. For sleep is what the body and mind need to recover from a day of activity. The last thing you want is to be so disturbed - and be immediately thrown into a state of confusion - by the man you love, sleep-sexing (I don't know what to call what you've described, so I've coined this term right now).

And he gets defensive, whereas, it is a serious problem that will continue to affect you negatively if not dealt with. Sometimes the thing that most greatly hinders recovery is denial. Get past that hump and then some healing can begin - that is, getting to the bottom of the cause of this behaviour in your husband's subconscious state. I personally believe in the value of psychoanalysis to deal with root issues. This is because I've heard too many times (as a person who is, myself, highly sensitive) to "put the past away where it belongs". Easier said than done when the past can still be smarting as a wound to the psych.

Two things come to mind, what I've said above - there could be a root cause - something of his past that triggering and letting him know from the subconscious that something is not well with his psyche. The other thing is that he could require more sex than what he's letting on to you. For instance, he could be a gentle lover and you might only have intercourse a certain number of times a week - whereas there could be 'blockages' to him requesting that you fulfil with him some greater sexual appetite, a thing that people vary greatly on and that's very normal. Lots of folk have trouble with guilt feelings about sex, and that can stem from childhood. Of course there could be something in his past he's blocking out to do with a sexual situation, or something he's choosing to block.

What I would suggest is that you could tell him that he's not alone. People who keep things inside, are insular, about seeking help for personal problems, can often have this very 'odd' thought that they are the only ones! Also, some males (particularly) consider that they can take on problems on their own without outside help. There might be some emotional blocks he's set up - and feelings of humilation will stop even brave men in their tracks! You also might like to do some research on sleep disorders and maybe phone around where you could find, in your city, information on people that suffer from sleep/dreaming disorders. Let him know he's not on his own, that what he and yourself are experiencing and is just another human situation and problem that steps can be made to be remedied.

He sounds like he needs reassurance. He's certainly got your love. I hope there's a breakthrough soon.

[DevilsAdvocate]

I dont think that you will be able to find the answers you are looking for in a forum. I can not begin to sympathize with you about what you must feel like every night before drifting to sleep. The best I can offer you is to get your husband to open up more, either to you or someone who can help. This is a serious predicament for both of you that has potential to escalate.  I truly hope you find resolution, and soon. Please keep us informed on any new developments.

[TS]

Hello, Ida!
I think that your husband has the restrictive image of a shy and sweet person, but there are passions within him that are revealed when he is unable to control them - during his sleep. He probably wants to have more frequent, passionate and somewhat dirty sex, but he is too shy to talk to you about it.
Try to have more sex with him, buy some erotic clothes and ask him to reveal his sexual phantasies to you.
I think that the problem of your husband is not only in the lack of passionate sex, but in his impossibility to demonstrate his inner abilities, which can also affect other areas of his life, such as work and friendship. The ideal way would be for him would be to attend a psychologist. It doesn't have to be a family therapy. If he is too shy to discuss these issues with you, he can attend a specialist alone.
In case of his refusal to do this, you can initiate personal talks with him about his desired place in the world, social and family spheres in order to understand what he is desperately searching for. Try to do it in a hidden way in order not to scare him by your directness.
And good luck!