Out with the Old...

[daftcow]

Hey guys,

Sorry I havent been around lately.  There has been a lot going on.  I finally broke up with my boyfriend.  It seems everyone else could see how unhappy I was and he still couldnt!

We agreed still to be friends if we could and, although he is heartbroken, the split was very amicable and he is being more mature than I have ever known him to be!

I am now seeing a friend of mine.  He has been my friend for 5 years and we discovered we are attracted to each other.  Its not a rebound thing for me because I detatched myself emotionally from my ex a long time ago.  Nonetheless, we agreed we are going to take it very slowly and see how things turn out!

All in all - I feel much better    My ex didnt make me feel good about myself..but new guy definitely does.

Just thought I would let you all know

[SWM]

i am pleased for you. perhaps this was the kick up the arse your ex bf needed. i geuss he will start to show you a bit of respect now that you have stood up and shown him that you respect your self too much to be kept down by him.

hope things work out with new bf. keep us informed.

[daftcow]

Thanks 

Ah its not really my ex's fault.  He has been brought up with his mum doing absolutely everything for him so he doesnt really know how to look after himself.  Its a shame that he hasnt been encouraged to develop basic survival skills that most us adults take for granted.

He really scared me at Christmas by declaring that we were going to start trying for a baby when we were 30!  I guess that may have been the final nail in coffin for the relationship....but the split was a long time coming and it would have happened eventually anyway!

I feel a lot better about myself.  at first I felt terribly guilty and sad...plus I am having to move back in with my parents is a bummer...and my mum was fussing and interfering and generally being mad.  She means well but she was saying a lot of really inappropriate things (about my weight etc) that really were not helping.

I couldnt concentrate at work either.  So I got signed off work with stress and went to stay with my new guy for 10 days   It really helped me relax and collect my thoughts and it was the best thing for me!#

The only draw back about my new relationship is that we live 180 miles apart.  It is a wee bit hard going but we are both really happy.  And it IS only 180 miles...we can be with each other within a few hours and we are seeing as much of each other as possible.

He actually makes me happier than I ever thoght I could be

I will be sure to keep you all posted but things are definitely looking up.  For the firsrt time in years I have a genuine smile on my face just because...

[daftcow]

Arrrggghhh...I keep getting flashbacks of times when my ex treated me badly.  They are really upsetting. 

Like the time he went off on one coz I needed new boots and he was shouting at me in the shops coz he didnt want to be out shopping for boots (he wanted to be at home doing what he wanted to do..) and he was screaming at me for walking too slow.  Or the time he left me without warning because I stood up to him over something...then came back the next day!

Then I start feeling really sad because I know devestated he must feel and he is a good person underneath..its just that he doesnt realise how he is behaving.  He is so fucused on his own needs (which is the way he has been brought up), he forgets about other peoples needs...and he lets his pride get in the way of everything!  Still, I know I broke his heart and I can't seem to forgive myself.  I feel guilty for being happy...I feel like I don't have the right to be happy when I took his happiness away

Maybe I should go back for one session with my counsellor...maybe she can help me sort out the mess in my head!

My new guy makes me so so happy and these thoughts in my head, the guilt etc, are just tarnishing my happiness.

Will this go away?

[SWM]

Arrrggghhh...I keep getting flashbacks of times when my ex treated me badly.  They are really upsetting.

Like the time he went off on one coz I needed new boots and he was shouting at me in the shops coz he didnt want to be out shopping for boots (he wanted to be at home doing what he wanted to do..) and he was screaming at me for walking too slow.  Or the time he left me without warning because I stood up to him over something...then came back the next day!

you recognise that he is a good person underneath these behaviours but these behaviours where not good for you. the way he treated you was not good.

Then I start feeling really sad because I know devestated he must feel and he is a good person underneath..its just that he doesnt realise how he is behaving.  He is so fucused on his own needs (which is the way he has been brought up), he forgets about other peoples needs...and he lets his pride get in the way of everything!  Still, I know I broke his heart and I can't seem to forgive myself.  I feel guilty for being happy...I feel like I don't have the right to be happy when I took his happiness away

your intention was not to take his happiness away. your intention was to take your own happineess back. if he is sad now, is that such an awful thing. i geuss when you where together he always made you feel responsible for how he felt, "It was your felt that i ....", " i am angry because you ...." etc now that you are out of this, he has to take repsonsibility for his feelings. you cannot take responsibility for his feelings anymore, unless you sacrifice your own feelings of happiness and self worth. in time he will find happiness, probably when he gets over his pride and stops behaving like dick with women. by that time he may have a little more respect and consideration for other peoples feelings.

Maybe I should go back for one session with my counsellor...maybe she can help me sort out the mess in my head!

My new guy makes me so so happy and these thoughts in my head, the guilt etc, are just tarnishing my happiness.

Will this go away?

when you let go, stop taking responsibility for his feelings and let him experience unhappiness and understand that he created his own unhappiness for himself.

[daftcow]

Thanks   You make a lot of sense!

He had never had a relationship before me.  He had never had ANY experience with women before me!  I guess he just did not know any better.  I eally hope he lets go of his pride and starts to see that a lot of what happened was his own doing.

Yeah, youre right, he did always blame me for his feelings or actions.  "Its your fault I'm shouting at you like this because you always...".

When he said that (which was a lot), I used to tell him it made him sound like a wife beater!

My self-esteem was at rock bottom because of him.  He used to make me laugh but in the end I spent every minute of every day really pissed off with him!

Its a shame because he really didnt know that his behaviour was wrong.  I never knew how to behave around him because his reactions to things were never consistent.  One day he would laugh at me for being tired and grumpy, the next day he would scream at me for the same thing, or the enxt day he would get uspet for the same thing.  Thats what he was like.  He has his own hang ups and his own problems but he admits he will never ever go and get help for them.  Yet he threatened to leave me last year if I didnt got for counselling.  I wish I could list down all these things for him..stop him making the same mistakes again!

All the same it was really crappy what I did to him!  I cheated on him with my new guy.  It happened over the weekend and I dumped him on the Tuesday.  He would be even more crushed if he knew.  I feel guilty for the way Ive treated him.  It was wrong to cheat.  But I didnt intend to dump him, I was trying to make it work, I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness to make sure he got the life he wanted.  I guess my new guy just made me feel loved and cared for, which is something my ex stopped doing a long time ago.  All the same, its still no excuse

[Enigma]

Your ex is an asshole.  Plain and simple.  He treated you like shit yet you make all these excuses for his behavior, which just enabled it to continue.  Good riddance I say.

[daftcow]

I'm not trying to make excuses for his behaviour...I guess I'm just trying to explain him.  I know him and I know that deep down he is a good person.  He is extremely immature, however, an has no social skills  This maybe why he was not aware that his behaviour was totally wrong.

I talked to him at length last night and he told me he sees how things went wrong now.  I'm glad he understands.

I'm so relieved that I can finally put things all behind me and concentrate on my new relationship with  man who is the sweetest, least selfish person I know 

[SWM]

hi, i noticed you replied to another thread today and it made me wonder how you are getting on.

anything to update us with?

[daftcow]

Hi, thanks for asking, thats really nice of you!

Where to start?    Well, things have been totally manic with me of late.  MY dad had to go in for major surgery and he wasn't getting better and was in and out of hospital.  He got taken in again on May 2nd, and had a seizure.  I thought he was going to die.  Thankfully, however, he recovered and is far better, although it could take up like a year to recover.

My mum had an operation on her hand a few weeks ago, and got taken into hospital last Tuesday because it got badly infected.  So both my parents were in separate hospitals but my dad is out now and my mum is getting out today.

My siblings have been causing me all sorts of problems (I am the youngest by 12 years), because they can't accept that I am nearly 26 and am an adult.  They think I am incapable of keepingthe house in order and looking after my dad, so they have been spying, interfering and picking faults.  My sister even sent her daughter down to stay with me and "help" me, when really she just made a lot of mess and sat and smoked cigarettes and watched me clean up   

Meh, I haven't been getting a lot of sleep.  I never sleep well anyway but I have been getting even less than usual so I havent been functioning properly lol.  My boyfriend came up last weekend for a visit and I was supposed to be going down to his (where I class as home because its the only place I feel safe), on Friday there (8th May).  But obviously as my parents were ill I couldnt go so he drove up to be with me.  He stayed the whole weekend, helped me out with cooking and cleaning and drove me to see my mumin hospital   He is my rock.  I know I would be crumbling if it wasn't for him!

He went home this morning as he has to be at work by 2pm. 

At the moment I am procrastinating at work...I am supposed to be writing two essays for my studies but I haven't got the attention span today.  I guess it is because I am so tired!

My parents' illnesses aside, my life is on the up   I still have my debt to deal with but I am seeking advice on it and I am trying not to let it worry me too much because I know I amgetting help to sort it out!

My relationship is going from strength to strength and I am falling even more in love with him every day...and he says that he is falling more for me every day too.

Due to how I allowed myself to be treated by men in the past, I had a real problem with the phrase "making love".  Love and sex for me were separated, because I had to disassociate them with each other for survival.  It was the only way I could cope.  Even during the 5 years with my ex, I didn't associate love and sex with one another.  However, now I totally do because for the first time in my life I have someone who respects me.  He treats me really well and looks after me and I love him more than anything else in the world.  So I have got used to the idea of "making love" and I have allowed love and sex to become one for the first time...and it doesn't scare me at all.  I guess its because I feel extremely safe with him and I know he would never ever hurt me or treat me with anything other than the utmost care and respect!

My mum and I are getting on better than I thought we would since I moved back in with my parents.  She still can't accept me for who I am, though, and I know I am still a disappointment to her.  Meh, I have been thinking long and hard, and I realised that I have been racking my brains and working so hard all my life to gain my mum's acceptance and be the Alison she wants me to be. But this morning I stopped and thought, "WHY?", I wasn't born to please her and I wasn't born to be a carbon copy of the girl she dreamed I would be. My mum should be proud of me no matter what, because I feel that I am a good person with good morals, and I have never been in any trouble. So what if I can't get up early or can't keep the houe clean to her OCD standards? So what if I havent been to uni and gained a super duper degree like my brother? I still have a pretty upstanding job, even if it doesn't pay well. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for her,  but I know now that its her problem. She needs to accept me for who I am, and not try to influence me to become someone I am not!  I love my mum, dearly, but the way she carries on sometimes its pretty obvious why I have had low self-esteem since I was old enough to use the potty.

Its HER problem, not mine! And if my boyfriend loves me for who I am, I can't be all that bad, can I?

Meh, apologies for rambling on...   Thanks for asking how things are going.  How are you?

[SWM]

i am great. life is busy, as always, i am happy as usual. "all sorrows are as shadows... existence is pure joy" one of my favourite quotations.

it is nice to be sat here with the door open to my garden listening to the birds outside.


i am pleased that you are working things out for  yourself. from what i remember the changes in your relationship happened when you began to have respect for yourself and to take back your power from your eXboyfriend.

you are now finding a way to accept your self and take back that power from your mother. unfortunately you cannot get rid of your mother (god knows, i have tried that one, lol) so there may be a bit of renegotiating to be done.

you deserve to be respected and loved and there is no reason or condition that should be placed on that love. your mother has to deal with her feelings, you cannot make her happy, you cannot make her love you more, and trying will only bring you back the kind of suffering you have just escaped.

look at the things that you need from your mum, love, acceptance, compassion nuturing, reassurance, encouragement, these are things that help you grow and heal, if you were not given these things as a child you will have not been able to give them to yourself as you were growing.  now that you are realising what it is you need you are able to give to yourself and find people around you that also give these things to you.

when you are giving these things to yourself you will find ways to give to your mother, that she may also grow.

did you ever think that your mum was childish and immature at times, like it is her that needs to grow up?  i know i thought this about my mum at times.

in reality we are all just like children learning and growing. my mum gave birth to me at a young age, she had to raise me without a father, she was a little girl who was forced to be an adult. to parent a boy and to raise a man. she knew nothing of life and so life taught us both. we are both still earning.

[seekinghga]

"all sorrows are as shadows... existence is pure joy" one of my favourite quotations.

"Remember all ye that existence is pure joy ;
that all the sorrows are but as shadows ; they pass
& are done ; but there is that which remains."
(AL II:9)

A beautiful phrase SWM.  A phrase that could heal the world if it would be applied universally.  As well:
"Come with me, and I will give you all that is desirable upon the earth.  Because I give you that of which Earth and its joys are but shadows." (Liber Tzaddi vel Hamvs Hermeticvs, vv. 12&13)

[daftcow]

i am great. life is busy, as always, i am happy as usual. "all sorrows are as shadows... existence is pure joy" one of my favourite quotations.

it is nice to be sat here with the door open to my garden listening to the birds outside.


i am pleased that you are working things out for  yourself. from what i remember the changes in your relationship happened when you began to have respect for yourself and to take back your power from your eXboyfriend.

you are now finding a way to accept your self and take back that power from your mother. unfortunately you cannot get rid of your mother (god knows, i have tried that one, lol) so there may be a bit of renegotiating to be done.

you deserve to be respected and loved and there is no reason or condition that should be placed on that love. your mother has to deal with her feelings, you cannot make her happy, you cannot make her love you more, and trying will only bring you back the kind of suffering you have just escaped.

look at the things that you need from your mum, love, acceptance, compassion nuturing, reassurance, encouragement, these are things that help you grow and heal, if you were not given these things as a child you will have not been able to give them to yourself as you were growing.  now that you are realising what it is you need you are able to give to yourself and find people around you that also give these things to you.

when you are giving these things to yourself you will find ways to give to your mother, that she may also grow.

did you ever think that your mum was childish and immature at times, like it is her that needs to grow up?  i know i thought this about my mum at times.

in reality we are all just like children learning and growing. my mum gave birth to me at a young age, she had to raise me without a father, she was a little girl who was forced to be an adult. to parent a boy and to raise a man. she knew nothing of life and so life taught us both. we are both still earning.

It's not that I wasn't shown love or nurture when I was growing up...I think maybe I was shown too much at times.  I think my mother's problem is that she was brought up by a mother who grew up in Victorian times, so her own mother rules with an iron fist.  This is what she did with me.  She was always very harsh with me if I stepped out of line, and when I look back on things now, I never really stepped out of line at all.  She brought me up the only way she knew however!  She is a very stubborn and single minded person.  She knows best, and everyone else is wrong.  She is also slightly guilty, I thiink, of iving her life through her children.  She never got the opportunities to go to uni or whatever, so she was desperate for me to go, like my brother did.  She doesnt realise that uni isnt for everyone.  She isnt all that proud of my sister and eldest brother, but she is uber proud of my youngest brother (who is 12 years older than me), so she was desperate for me to follow in his footsteps so she could be uber proud of me.  I think she lost sigh along the way of the fact that I am my own person, I cannot be a clone of my brother!

I was never really taught how to like myself.  |My mother made a big deal of my faults.  Like when I was a child I struggled with my co-ordination and therefore had messy handwriting.  Her and the school made such a huge deal out of this that it meant I became afraid to write at all and my handwriting became even worse.  I know it sounds silly and petty, but it really scarred me emotionally.  It was all they could focus on for a long time, and so I was never really praised much, from what I remember!  I was a really good behaved child, but all I really remember from my childhood is getting into trouble a lot of the time and feeling like I wasnt wanted.  That said, my parents were very good to me and I know I am very much loved by them.

My mother has her own hang ups.  I think she thought I was perfect, and when she realised I wasnt it broke her heart!  She finds it difficult to admit when she is in the wrong and she finds it difficult to keep her mouth shut when something displeases her.  For instance, if she knew I was sleeping with my boyfriend I would never hear the end of it.  She interferes so much but her heart is genuinely always in the right place, and she does only want whats best.  The mistake she makes is thinking that she always knows exactly was best.

Im not saying she is a bad mother, because she isnt!  She knows everything there is to know about caring about children, but she lacked the social skills to teach me about my own self worth and self esteem.  She goesw on about how perfect my brother is a lot, and how much he loves her etc...but she forgets that it comes across that she doesnt think  that I care about her too.

Meh, here  is me rambling on again.  I guess its important to remember that my parents did the best they could by me, and I cannot fault them for that!

I'm glad youre feeling well

[SWM]

it seems like you have worked through this probelm already. just a matter of bringing the psychological perspective that you have arrived at into the phsyical world of relationship and behavior with your mum.

dont worry about rambling. i have come to the conclusion that rambling is the best form of therapy, and the most effective therapist are those that can enable people to ramble.

[daftcow]

Hugs.  Thanks

I just find my mum very hard to deal with.  She is totally bizarre.  One minture shes my best friend the next shes my enemy.  I thought it was children who were supposed to have these sorts of mood swings...not the parents lol.

[daftcow]

it seems like you have worked through this probelm already. just a matter of bringing the psychological perspective that you have arrived at into the phsyical world of relationship and behavior with your mum.

Hey how are you doing?

I totally agree with you saying that its a matter of bringing by psychological perspective I have arrived at into the psychical world...but how do I do that?

[anaklio]

It's very difficult to move from lovers to friends. I admire your effort, it's worthwhile. I've tried it 10 times, and succeeded 1 time. Still I keep trying. I hate to see love come to "nothing". Of course, that's never true, but it often feels that way.

[daftcow]

I think this will be a successful transition from lovers to friends.  It is going well so far and he does need me in his life because I'm the only friend he has that he can truly rely on if things go wrong.  He is a good friend to me too and although he is still upset about us not being together anymore, he is happy for me that I have found happiness at last.  I really hope he finds it too

[anaklio]

Glad to hear the transition is going well. The 1 time it has worked for me has been worth it as they are now my best friend. In fact, they are my "companion" which is an even greater thing. The fighting has stopped and we've found the level which works best for us.