I'm really sorry that this post is so long but please bear with me...
I am a 24 year old woman and I own my own home, with my boyfriend, I hold a steady and respected job, working with young people in a deprived area which involves a lot of social skills and patience. I have a few really good friends, and I em espeicallly close to some of them in particular.
I have been friends with Andrew, whos 27 for six years and his partner, Kevin for just over one year (Kevin is my boyfriends best friend from childhood). I have always got on well with both of them and until the weekend they were like family to me. We have shared holidays and have never had a proper disagreement. Andrew has always been stubborn and will argue black is white. Boardgames etc always turn into a nightmare because he turns it into an argument if he doesnt get his own way, topical debates also turn nasty with him because he refuses to listen to anyone elses point of view. I have been able just to ignore this until recently. I have started to get sick of it, however. So I have been spending less time with Andrew and Kevin but I have been keeping in touch. I have been seeing a counsellor for a few weeks to deal with personal problems and feelings of low self worth. My counsellor says that part of my problem is tht I don't feel that people listen to me. It makes sense and I think she is right.
Recently, I got a text from Andrew saying "you seem to be drinking a lot, remember youre not a teenager anymore". I was a bit shocked by this because I haven't been drinking much at all. That weekend I went out on the Friday night to my friend Laura's house and only had soft drinks and on Saturday I was back at Laura's for a party and I had two alcoholic drinks. Thats all I had the whole week. Most weeks I don't drink at all. I calmly explained this to Andrew. But he refused to listen saying "I went through a stage like you of wanting to have fun all the time but it only leads to trouble, just be careful". Again I explained that I appreciated his concern but it wasnt needed bcause I had only two alcoholic drinks that weekend. I told him that I was old enough to look after myself and know my limits but that if there ever was a problem he would be the first to know. Still he refused to listen and kept repeating himself saying "just be careful just be careful". I was getting irritated by this point because A - I shouldnt have to explain myself to anyone, B its none of his business anyway and C - he wasnt listening.
The next day I told him I was a bit annoyed at him for not listening but I was assertive and diplomatic, explaining again that I appreciated his concern but I was annoyed at him for not listening and accusing me of acting like a teenager. He snapped back that I was acting like a teenager again. It just seemed to snowball. The next day I got a text from Kevin demanding that we sort this out. He said we were both standing our ground but that we needed to fix this because it was "affecting other people". I told him my issue is not what Andrew said because I realised his good intentions, but my issue is that I felt that he was preaching to me, patronising me and not listening to me. Kevin then used emotional blackmail telling me that Andrew had a heart problem that was being investigated that this stress isnt good for him. I told him this is between Andrew and I and no one else needs to get involved. He said that "if trying to look out for a friend was bringing on all this crap then next time they wont bother and if something bad was to happen to me then tough". Again I explained that I only had two alcoholic drinks. I was furious at this and told him that while I will always be there for Andrew and was sorry to hear of his health problem I was not backing down over how I feel. I told him all andrew needs to do is listen to me and all will be forgotten. Later I sent Andrew a text. He wanted to meet me but I explained that I did not want to meet in case things snowballed into aother argument. Again I explained my feelings, on how I felt patronised and not listened to and how I felt he was preaching to me but stressed that I do appreciate his concern for me. He said again he wanted to meet up but I told him no way until he is prepared to listen. I feel that if its affecting Andrew as badly as theyre making out, why doesnt he just let it go?
I havent heard from either of them since. I have remained really calm and mature about the whole thing but I am never confident in my own opinions and asked my friend Kirsty for advice. I let her read the texts and told her everything and she said she was proud of me for finally standing up for myself. She knows that I was spending less time with andrew and Kevin because of Andrew's arguing. I trust her judgment because although she never judges me, she is always honest with me and will tell me when I'm in the wrong.
However, now what do I do? I desperately want to patch things up but not at the expense of my principals and self-esteem. People not listening to me affects my self esteem badly and quite often I accept blame when its not my fault just to keep the peace. This is the first time I have stuck to my guns and refused to back down. I know I am 100% right because I have explained my appreciation for their concern and reassured them that I havent in fact been drinking much at all and explained that I felt patronised and not listened to. Not once did I accuse them of anything, I used phrases like "I feel" rather than putting things onto them. But there is no way forward if I cannot get Andrew to listen.
The comment about the acthing like a teenager, I think , might be a bit of jealousy coming through. My friend Laura is 18, I have known her for three years and we are more like sisters. We tell people we are sisters because we feel like sisters, we share everything and see each other at least once a week. She has met Andrew and Kevin and we all socialise together sometimes. Kirsty socialises with us too. Everyone gets along well. Last week, however, we had a night out in the pub. I had a few drinks but stopped when I felt a bit woozy. There was about seven of us out and I think I might have talked more to Laura and Kirsty than I did Andrew and Kevin. This wasnt intentional and they seemed to be talking to other people too when I looked over at them so I never thought anything of it. Now, though, I wonder if there are jealous undertones to this.
Id really appreciate youre advice on how to go forward from this. I refuse to let this get sweeped under the carpet like all the other arguments over petty things hes caused. Its always easier to let Andrew get his own way and the last word because he never listens to anyone elses opinions or points of view. But this time things are personal because he's accusing me of things that arent true and not letting me stand up for myself. I do appreciate his concern but I do not appreciate being patronised like this.
Topic: Patronising Friend (Read 2677 times)
May 13, 2010, 06:04:20 PM
