Please help me guys

[ruben]

I've had a huge fallen out with my mum. Im 19 and im on emplyment seekers allowance. Its fancy for somebody who is enable to work. I have depression and anxiety problems. They have decreased slightly over the last few months but i am still unable to work. The medication is take is called trazadone, it makes me much calmer.

I got into probably the biggest argument with my mum, it was started by her, i was reminding myself of something when she started acting out in a passive agressive way. Bashing things up stairs, as she is doing right now. I want you people to know that i am not delusional, i am not in the wrong, i just want some help. So she came down and although to most people this would sound harmless, the actual goal is to control me, she could of said any number of things to further her agenda. She asked me what i was saying. She then said if i've got something to say i should say it to her face. I told her i wasn't talking about her, she then proceeded to wind me up by trying to make me flinch and standing over me the words she used "cmon then" in england that often means somebody wants to fight you if phrased in a certain way. I told her to go away. She then went on about how annoying im becoming.

I read somewhere that if you want to find out how somebody really is, you take away what they can gain from you other than you being a good person. She was being nice to me all week until my sickness pay came through. Then she changed, because i knew she was only being nice for the money.

Then the next day she starts becoming passive aggressive again as she has done for the past 15 months. She told me im not a man and a coward. She told me im not assertive and i am weak and fragile, that im not as important as i think i am. She called me a wimp and at that moment i had enough, i got up and punched her in her right arm leaving a huge bruise. I wish i hadn't because too be honest she deserved it, im all for women not recieving violence but when anyone has the mindset of "im a woman so you can't hit me so im going to abuse you 10 times worse than a man would" its a disgrace, she wasn't helping me anxiety and depression in that moment ether. Of course she twisted it around, im a bully and i should be locked up, im a coward ect ect. The thing is, i would have done the same if it was the man, but sooner. I managed to get her to see it my way, that she had just provoked somebody then couldn't face the consequences, i told her that she was a manipulative coward, she then said "can we just forget about this situation" another way of futhering her agenda, she didn't get what she wanted, to win control and manipulate me so she wanted to drop that and try something else.

Then the next day comes, today.

I was having a bad day, went to get some food and relised i had too much so called her to ask if she wanted some when she gets back. I had brushed the situation off, moved on, when i called her she was plesent. Then as she gets home, away from other people the true self comes out. i asked her how she is doing with the money and she turns and snarls at me "i need ___ " she shouted.

Then i asked her why shes upset and she went on about how much of a bad person i am. Saying that she wants to get me locked up for what i did. She denied provoking it. She then went on about me not being a man because i can't work currently, that money from me to help with things would mean nothing. I told her again about the situation, that she started both of them. She went on to say.. i could understand you hitting me if i had abused you when you were younger, she had... she was denying that "did i abuse you" "yes" i confidently said. Then she said "when where" trying to win the argument again. Then she said it again "did i" i said "you know you did" she said... well call the police.. with a big smile on her face. They wont believe you, but they will believe me. She then said i deserved it... all the things i knew she was capable of saying if i let the real person come out. Talked about my father who died this year, calling him a coward for ending his life and saying im just like him. Trying to push all my buttons. She brought up what it would be like for me in prison, that she wants me out of the house. I had enough, i told her that she can't get a man, that her mother didn't want her, she then told me that i have no friends that im a failure ect ect. It went on and on. I was upset about all of this, i had a feeling in my stomach, a hurt feeling, because of how she tried to manipulate me. She always did try to control me, "your always out" "your never out" "you always want to cook" "you never cook"

I want to get away from her, but i fear life would be very different for me, this is the real person, i found out who she is, shes a horrible human. I would like to get far... far away from her. I have no family and am living in a new area. Im asking for some advice as this situation has caused me to feel very upset and frustrated