psychology explanation

[Ann]

Hi Can somebody please help me. A member of my family has for some time now been very cruel in how they have treated me, accusing me of being a manipulator, an emotional abuser and a bully (which the rest of my family disagree with) when all I keep trying to do is listen and only give advice when asked (and then they get mad because it is not what they wanted to hear).  Well for some time now as this person has accused me of these things, I realised that they were accusing me of things that they are actually doing i.e. they are bullying me, abusing me and trying to manipulate me.  I now have received one of many horrible letters, of which before I have never replied, the time has come when I need to defend myself and I am trying to compose and nice letter, not accusing but I want this person to think about something, and that is, is it not they who need to look at what they keep doing  to me.  I am stuck trying to put this in the letter and wondered is there a pyscology term for when somebody keeps accusing somebody of doing things, when it is in fact them that are the abuser.  Sorry to droan on but I am at a loss how to explain things.  Can anybody help?

[SWM]

hello Ann

you are wise not to go down the route of accusing as this will most likely lead to tit for tat squabbling.
the psychological term you ar elooking for is projection, however using this term in letter to your family member will probably not be understood by them. if they dont understand it is unlikely that it will have any effect or communicat ewhat it is you want to say.

Projection According to wikipedia
 

    In pschology, psychological projection (or projection bias) is a defense mechanism in which one attributes one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts or/and emotions to others. Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted subconscious impulses/desires without letting the conscious mind recognize them. The theory was developed by Sigmund Freud and further refined by his daughter Anna Freud, and for this reason, it is sometimes referred to as "Freudian Projection"
     
    According to Sigmund Freud, projection is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one "projects" one's own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings onto someone else. It is a common process that every person uses to some degree.
     
    To understand the process, consider a person in a couple who has thoughts of infidelity. Instead of dealing with these undesirable thoughts consciously, he or she subconsciously projects these feelings onto the other person, and begins to think that the other has thoughts of infidelity and may be having an affair. In this sense, projection is related to denial, arguably the only defense mechanism that is more primitive than projection. Projection, like all defense mechanisms provide a function whereby truth about a part of themselves that may otherwise be unacceptable is shielded.
     
    Compartmentalization, splitting and projection are ways that the ego continues to pretend that it is completely in control at all times, when in reality human experience is one of shifting beingness, instinctual or territorial reactiveness and emotional motives, for which the "I" is not always complicit. Further, common in deep trauma, individuals will be unable to access truthful memories, intentions and experiences, even about their own nature, wherein projection is just one tool.

have you asked this person for examples of what you have done, would this person be able to explain what you have done and how your behaviour or actions are manipulative, abusive, etc?

this will enable you to see your behaviour from their perspective, it may be that she does feel bullied, abused, manipulated by you, she may not and she may be using this as a way of controlling you and the family. i believe understanding her perspective if is the first step in finding a solution to this.

[Ann]

I have on many occasions asked this person what it is I have done that makes them think this way of me, but they never can say give me an example.  Or they say things like I recently said , 'I will have to stop what I am doing to listen to you but that is OK' then they go away and focus on what I have said then ring me up berating me for it.  I am heartbroken by all of this but I feel as though I am always defending myself and that I walk on eggshells constantly trying not to say the wrong things and it doesn't work.
Ann

[SWM]

this seems like such a frustrating situation for you to be in. to not be able to do right for doing wrong. no matter what you do in this situation this person will turn it back against you.  when you are nice it is manipulation when you are confrontational you are a bully. you are in a no win situation with this girl. (you have not said this is a girl, i dont know why, i presume this is a younger girl?)

okay so, you want to write a letter, and in this letter you will ask the them to consider; what she is doing to you is what she is accusing you of doing to her. what do you hope will happen when this person reads this letter?

[Ann]

You are right, it is a girl, it is my daughter and she is 37.  I don't know what I expect, I fear there is something deeper going on, I am concerned that there is something wrong i.e. bipolar or something else.  This situation has gone on for so long.  A couple of years ago she wrote 5 suicide letters to different people, myself being one of them, then the next day when a friend went round to check on her, she went to stay at the friends, whilst my husband and I had the police break down her door, and spent a frantic few hours desperately trying to find her - she did not let us know that she was OK and we thought the worst.  I tried then to understand and talk and listen and empathise all the things that I thought would make her feel secure but I am afraid as a mother I have let her down badly.  I feel I am to blame for everything that has gone wrong in her life. 

[cognitive]

I am very sorry Ann for the problems you are going through with your daughter .I don't think is s good solution to blame yourself for something, my guess is this is exactly what she wants behaving that way , to make you feel miserable.
My first impression reading your messages was that your daughter might have at least some symptoms ( if not all 5 out 9 needed in order to meet DSM cryteria ) of borderline personality disorder , however only a psychiatrist or an experienced clinician may diagnose her correctly after seeing her , of course.
If she does not agree to see a specialist , then all you have to do is to go yourself to a counselor/therapist to explain your relationship with her in details and learn how to deal with such a person .

[Ann]

Hi

Thanks so much for your explanation and help.  I have decided to ring my doctor this afternoon and ask to see a counsellor.  I think it is the best option.
THanks
Ann