Relationship problem

[stickwitu]

I have been with my bf for two years and we had a perfect relationship. Before we were dating, he has told me he has been to a strip club. I never took that serious. After two years, I accidently found out what people actually do there and decided to go and see what it is for myself. After I walked in there, I saw a naked girl sitting on a guy and giving him a lap dance, and to me it looked like it was public sex. My bf told me he was a virgin before me, and after I saw that I couldn't believe that a guy I that I knew all this time could have ever done something like that and I also felt like I have been lied to because to me what was going on in the strip club looked like a sexual relationship. After that, I can't be the same with him, I don't know what to do.... I dk if I can be with a guy who has ever done thing like that. I tried talking to him, but it doesn't help me to get over it. I really need someoone to help me.

[SWM]

you feel like you cannot be the same with him? what does that mean?

what is so bad about what you saw at the strip club?

[Enigma]

It's a strip club.  It's not a big deal.  Just because your boyfriend went does not mean he got a lapdance. 

[stickwitu]

He told me that he got a lap dance. And when I'm with him, it's always on my mind what kind of dirty things people do there. I guess when I was looking for a guy, I wanted somebody who is is not that type of a person who would ever go to a place like that.

[Enigma]

If it's really that big a deal to you, then leave him.  But if you spend time worrying what your significant others did before they met you, then you're going to have a lot of sleepless nights. 

[stickwitu]

The problem is that I have known him for so long and by his personality I could never tell that person would have done that, that's why it's hard for me to leave him, I guess I'm trying to understand why he has done it.

[SWM]

men enjoy things like lap dancing, pornography, dirty, slutty women etc. that gets men excited.

men also use this as a way to bond with each other.

women have their own versions of this kind of behaviour which they do with their girlfriends.

your boyfriend went to a lap dancing bar for the excitement or something like that.

he does not love those women in any kind of emotional way and he would not think of this as any thing like a sexual relationship. it is just fun.

i am guessing you have been brought up in a culture that has taboos about sex such as a religious family or community or a repressive country such as some asian countries.

this social conditioning has framed your values and beliefs about sex, and sexualised behaviour, you think that this kind of thing is dirty and wrong, but your boyfriend does not.

this is something for you to understand about yourself. why do you believe that sex or sexualized behaviour is dirty and wrong and why does your boyfriend find it exciting and fun.

[stickwitu]

Thnaks that it exactly what I'm talking about and the fact that he does not find it wrong bothers me because he really seems somebody who thinks it's wrong but then the question comes up why he went there? And that is not the person I was looking for.

[SWM]

do you have the answer to that question?

[stickwitu]

I don't , that's why it's so hard for me to make a decision

[PsyChris]

Do you think he would feel the same way if YOU went to a male strip club and had a lap dance?

I think for direction you need to decide if the issue is with what he has done or how you think about it. Once you decide that you can make a decision.

I think that trying to understand how he is thinking is an exercise in futility. I would focus on how you think about this behavior and is maybe there is something deeper than just him getting a lap dance. Do you feel like he was unfaithful to you by going to a strip club? Does he know how strongly you feel about this?

[stickwitu]

He knows how I feel about it and he says that he agrees with it and understands it, he also told me that it was a mistake for him to do that even when he was single and that he regreted it, when he realized what the lap dances were all about. He said that even back then he did not feel comfortable with that and the girl who was giving a lap dance kept on telling him to relax becasue it wasnt fine with him. I'm trying to forgive that, I guess I was looking for a different person, who would have never even accepted to go to a place like this and now when I know he did, hurts me.

[PsyChris]

I see where you are coming from. Can you think of any experiences in your life that you later regret? How would you feel if someone judged you for them years later and seemingly didn't take into account all the GOOD you have done for them?

[ConsciousPuppet]

     Maybe the fact that he regretted what he did means he is the kind of person you want. Cant expect him to not be human, to not experiment or make mistakes, or regret his decisions, this is asking for perfection. and I've had my share of frustrations in my current relationship. . . ,stuff that i never thought i would have to deal with, about her and my self.

     But when you love a person you are able to see them for who they are and forgive their past mistakes. And this is what keeps us together. If you loved him before you knew about this event in his life, it will be best if you take it for what he explained it to be.