I'm posting here because I have recently decided to try do something about the very negative feelings I have been having.
I have a very strained relationship with my parents. It started since I was a kid. I was a very badly behaved child, not rude or anything, but just not listening to anything people say and basically doing whatever I want. My father would often admonish me by physically hitting me. Eventually I pissed my father off really bad, and he beat me a lot, almost til I couldn't walk for around a week. I was around 10 or 11 then. From that point on, I hated him and it never really stopped.
Right now, I am in highschool with only a couple years to go until University. I have not been doing particularly well in school, but not bad either, but my parents expect me to do better. I believe this stems from their view of my sister, who got into highschool with a scholarship, who got into University with a scholarship, and who is coming number 1 in her University at the moment.
Me and my parents often have arguments, in which they point out everything single one of my bad points, eg. I'm an unintelligent child who is shaming his family, etc. But recently I just stopped caring about them and started arguing instead of just taking the abuse. My father no longer dares to hit me since I am almost as big as him now, but I am seriously getting sick of him insulting me all the time.
But, the real reason for my posting here is this; I had been contemplating suicide ever since I was a child. But that's not the reason either. I've just noticed that recently I have no longer been thinking about suicide, instead I think about how great it would be if I just got the fuck rid of my parents by killing them.
But, this is only in thoughts. In my own opinion of myself, I highly doubt that I would ever be able to screw up the courage or insanity for that option. I jus want to be able to stop thinking those kind of thoughts because it really is driving me insane thinking that I might be a very bad person.
Please help me and my sanity.
*Another thing is this: I don't want to hear crap about repairing my relationship with my parents. I just want to be able to stay normal until I'm old enough to live by my lonesome.