Relationship with my parents

[4311]

I'm posting here because I have recently decided to try do something about the very negative feelings I have been having.

I have a very strained relationship with my parents. It started since I was a kid. I was a very badly behaved child, not rude or anything, but just not listening to anything people say and basically doing whatever I want. My father would often admonish me by physically hitting me. Eventually I pissed my father off really bad, and he beat me a lot, almost til I couldn't walk for around a week. I was around 10 or 11 then. From that point on, I hated him and it never really stopped.

Right now, I am in highschool with only a couple years to go until University. I have not been doing particularly well in school, but not bad either, but my parents expect me to do better. I believe this stems from their view of my sister, who got into highschool with a scholarship, who got into University with a scholarship, and who is coming number 1 in her University at the moment.

Me and my parents often have arguments, in which they point out everything single one of my bad points, eg. I'm an unintelligent child who is shaming his family, etc. But recently I just stopped caring about them and started arguing instead of just taking the abuse. My father no longer dares to hit me since I am almost as big as him now, but I am seriously getting sick of him insulting me all the time.

But, the real reason for my posting here is this; I had been contemplating suicide ever since I was a child. But that's not the reason either. I've just noticed that recently I have no longer been thinking about suicide, instead I think about how great it would be if I just got the fuck rid of my parents by killing them.

But, this is only in thoughts. In my own opinion of myself, I highly doubt that I would ever be able to screw up the courage or insanity for that option. I jus want to be able to stop thinking those kind of thoughts because it really is driving me insane thinking that I might be a very bad person.

Please help me and my sanity.

*Another thing is this: I don't want to hear crap about repairing my relationship with my parents. I just want to be able to stay normal until I'm old enough to live by my lonesome.

[S. Earl Martin]

Repairing relationships sometimes can be impossible. Your best course of action is this. Think about what is the best thing to do. What is the most positive course of action. Set goals to that end.

In my situation I had a similar relationship with my family life. Although it was my oldest brother that got all A's without even trying. I had to study a lot just to pass. Also I was physically abused by my older brothers. So I can relate to an extent. For years I didn't speak with my brothers very much and even now we are not close. My parents on the other hand I have reconciled to an extent.  Maybe in time this could be possible in your situation?
Right now focus on doing the best you can. Be honest with yourself and look for ways you can improve your situation. If something is keeping you from a goal look for ways to alter your situation to progress toward that goal. Do not do things to make it worse by acting out of anger or emotion in general.
Most parents want what's best for their children. They are just imperfect human beings and all of us mess up at times. This is where forgiveness comes into play. Do what is best for you and your future in a positive way. Peace!

[liza123]

My God, I am really sorry to read about you not being to able to walk for one week after being beaten up so badly. I am not an expert but, let me put it to you this way. There will come a time when your parents especially your father may regret for what he had done. I call it the law of cause and effect. So, do not concentrate on them and what they are doing to you, in other words, do not get worked up. I know that it is very difficult to do so. But, think in a positive way and work really hard to come up in your life. Your life is precious and it is God 's gift to you. Use that gift wisely. Come up in life. You might turn up to be very useful to society one day. The greater the struggle, the greater the victory. If you can survive this and come out the victor(by taking things positively and coming up in life), you will gain inner strength and perhaps, a different sense of achievement and pride in that victory.
There is nothing wrong with your thoughts of 'wanting to kill your parents' as you put it. More importantly, you are aware enough of yourself to know that you won 't do it . People have thoughts because the human mind is 'like a monkey at times'. It is hard to control, as long as you do not act on such negative  thoughts(you already claimed that you would not ). But, I think that it will also be good to divert your mind each time such a thought enters your mind. Read a self-help book, talk to your friends(have some laughter), do something positive(maybe even a hobby). Then, you achieve some sort of balance and won 't feel as if you are going insane.

[liza123]

Even this forum could be a place to get some 'outlet' or peace or whatsover. You can make friends here.

I sincerely hope that my comments helped you in some way or another.  

Regards

[The Graduate]

Heck, I got trashed for getting good grades and staying out of trouble. Never beaten, though. I'll say this, 4311, a lot of people are f--ked up. I mean, hopelessy FUBAR'ed in the brain. It becomes like all they know, and can't let go. Read my story for the truth behind some people's masks. One universal advice I can give you is to never forget the good things in your life. It is easy to remember the bad days, but sometimes you have to recall the beautiful aspects of life to remind you that the next moment doesn't come from nowhere. I'm not saying forgive the chronic bad people, forget them if you have nothing to gain. One strike and you are out is an effective motto for jerks who like to prey on the good. Just don't let people make you forget about the good moments, and diminish their value.

[liza123]

One universal advice I can give you is to never forget the good things in your life. It is easy to remember the bad days, but sometimes you have to recall the beautiful aspects of life to remind you that the next moment doesn't come from nowhere. One strike and you are out is an effective motto for jerks who like to prey on the good. Just don't let people make you forget about the good moments, and diminish their value.

'Beautiful' advice...cannot think of another better word right now...

[WildChild]

dont get affected.. follow your own path in a good way

[hulala]

Its almost impossible to reconstruct a broken relationship in a small time as it requires time for changes from both sides. I think you are in a crucial situation. Just try to open your heart among your parents without any fear and express your true side among them so that they can understand and accept you as a Innocent child.

[aboynamedsue]

It's obvious that your parents are shitbags and they're not worth your time. As soon as you can maintain a means to support yourself, leave them as quickly as you can. Don't look back, and don't ever feel like you did the wrong thing.

[rubbish]

Hello
I have a pretty upsetting relationship with my dad too but the case is a lil different from yours. Mine hurts me and my family emotionally by doing whatever he wishes and does not care one bit about us. This has lead me into sadness and depression. i feel really hurt when i see my friends having loving fathers and people who do something for their own family. In his head he believes that he loves us but i know its all false. At times even i think suicidal and it affects my academics, my relationships and my friendships but at times i also try to take things positively as i know what it takes to raise children and i will never do the things that my father did to us. I wanna move out someday and get as far as i can from him hopefully then i can live my life to its fullest potential and can make up for all the time i lost thinkin why he is not the way he should ideally be.

[S. Earl Martin]

It is difficult dealing with people who are self oriented. Especially when in their mind they are not doing anything wrong. There is an old saying. "You can pick your friends, but your family is in the stars." To be blunt a lot of people are abused by family members and are put threw very difficult situations. Although what you are experiencing is a form of abuse. Your attitude toward it seems positive. Learning from hurtful behavior and trying not to imitate it is a good plan. Also over time people can change. When you get older and have more power in the situation how your dad deals with you may change also. On the other hand it may not. My dad died last March and because I am his youngest child he still treated me like a little kid in some ways. Just remember people are imperfect and we all have our faults. Try to remain positive in the situation and set goals that will continue on a path to achieve your potential. Peace! 

[slimshady]

i can sense what you're going through and know you would be very upset about it. If it all it helps you in anyway, i would like to say that this problem of yours is a very common one among teens and its just a phase of misunderstanding that occurs due to a generation gap, nothing else. But what is important and should be kept in mind is that - "after all they are your parents" and even in the worst of their thoughts cant they ever imagine to harm you or treat you in a way that may harm your being. If you think that something like that is happening, it is just a matter of a little misunderstanding or communication gap, and if you cant help it, just forget it, but dont let it bother your well being!

[Zepher08]

Looks like your parents have chosen you to project their shame on. I would say that your response to our parents from early on is reflective of not being seen or heard as an individual or person but rather an object that should represent parents in a perfect light. Your rebellion about this is understandable.

Any parent that beats a child is totally corrupt and off the mark in my book and with out boundrties. No person has the right to beat another person.

I think you should get some therapy and sort this out ... this way you can step up and reclaim your life so that it isn't about  abusive parents.
What your parents have done is so unhealthy and you as a child on up to teen is not in any way obligated to go along with the program.

There is an enormous red flag as I read your story.

[somebodyoncetoldme]

 

i think you're father used authoritarian parenting, which is not good.
i feel sorry but i cant do much.

well here is a video of the parent styles so u can be a good parent: link to video

[grasshopper]

Like the writer of the first post here, I was as a youth on several memorable occasions beaten savagely by my father, for various real and presumed offences, yet I realise now, looking back over the years,  that he really did think that his frightening behavior was corrective in some way.  There is a lot of truth to the old adage about the road to hell being paved with good intentions, and the result of all those thrashings was that I grew up absolutely terrified of the man, to the extent that I had nightmares of him chasing me down and beating the crap out of me, literally for years after we no longer lived under the same roof.

Rather than repeating that cycle of violence by picking on those smaller than myself, as I grew to become physically imposing enough to do so, I recalled the blind fear created by the infliction of such violence on me, and thus made a conscious lifetime decision never to allow myself to become a bully or authoritarian figure in ANYONE's life.  So far that promise remains unbroken, so at least in my particular case I can attest that violence does not necessarily beget violence in that predictable fashion often identified as a causative factor of learned behavior.  

[TS]

I think you should not understand your feelings literally, but in an abstract way. The desire to kill your parents is the symbol of action, while the thought of a suicide is the escape from action and passivity. Thus, there is a progress in your mind. You are no longer escaping the problem, you are ready to withstand it and fight for your rights. This is a good symbol.
The next what you should do, from my point of view, is to talk to your parents. Even if you don't believe you can repair the relations, you should say openly what you dislike about their style of parenting and remind them of the bad things they did to you in the past. You probably don't want to seem a victim and, so, you are acting agressively which makes them think they are "good guys" and you are "the black sheep in the family".
Don't be afraid to seem a victim, tell them they constantly hurt you, tell them about your suicidal feelings, tell them that their behaviour makes you attend a psychologist. And try to speak mildly, without aggression. It's difficult, but then something will change in their mind and they will be ashamed of their own parenting style and will at least try to change it. The best idea is to attend a psychologist together.
The open talk is the best way to throw away your negative energy, which is inside of you now and is looking for a way out.

[Voix_Celeste]

Wow  . I have nothing to add here, just to express my big astonishment. No one I know was ever that maltreated by his/her own parents. What surprises me even more is that other members too participating in this discussion knew family abuse at its worst.