Sexual Intimacy

[malteasers]

Hi,
I have an issue with sexual intimacy that is causing a lot of stress for me.
I have been sexually active for about 5 years, but I didn't have sex until three years ago.
Since then, I have had 15 sexual partners, most boyfriends.
In the past three relationships i've been in, I have been quite sexually stunted - not letting them touch my vagina or my breasts or to see me with the lights on until a long time into the relationship.
When I do let them touch me, I feel very guilty, like they don't really want to, and as if I have to stop them or else they'll keep going waiting for me to stop them, developing negative thoughts about me.
I am really confused about why I feel this way - at first I thought it may be due to the fact that the first man I opened up to sexually ended up physically abusing me, but in retrospect, I have also always had a tendency to stop during sex as I can not relax.
I would really love some advice.. I am in a relationship with an incredibly loving, caring, tender and compatible man now, and I hate that my feelings are effecting my future relationships.
Thanks so much.

[SWM]

When I do let them touch me, I feel very guilty, like they don't really want to,

i need to clarify the meaning of this. you let them touch you implies that they want to touch you and you allow them too. you then feel guilty because they do not really want to touch you. is that correct?

as if I have to stop them or else they'll keep going waiting for me to stop them, developing negative thoughts about me.

clarifying your meaning again. if you do not stop them they are hesitant like they are waiting for you to stop them and they are thinking badly about you for letting them touch you.
is that correct?

[malteasers]

Yeah, I feel like they're just doing it because they're meant to, and that it is my responsibility to tell them they don't have to.

No, they aren't hesitant, but I don't feel like I can let them keep going - like I shouldn't let them know I want to have them touching me, because it will make them feel poorly towards me.

[SWM]

what might they think about you if you enjoyed them touching you and having sex?

[malteasers]

resentful, or powerful

[SWM]

you think they might think you are resentful, or they might think you are powerful if you enjoy being touched or having sex with your them?

[malteasers]

I think they might be resentful or feel powerful, or have power over me

[SWM]

ok, so by giving someone permission to touch or have sex with you that is you giving them power, and by that you become less powerful or vulnerable is that right?
 
i dont quite get the resentment feeling. can you explain how someone would feel resentment for you sharing an intimate experience with them?