Hi,
I am new here and have decided to post because I am totally confused and lost with what to do.
I have a really strained relationship with my Father. My parents divorced when i was 9 (am now 19) and my Dad moved out but my brother and I had our weeks split between my mum (4 days) and the rest with my dad. I am really close with my mum and have been since around the age of 11 but I have never had such a relationship with my dad. It's not so much that we didn't get on but more that we were never very close. It was quite jokey and just never very 'deep'.
However, when I was 15, my dad was arrested for fraud (and guilty) and this started the snowball of the predicament I now find myself in with him. The process of trial and eventual prison took nearly 3 years and during this time he went bankrupt, lost his job and moved about 45 minutes away.
My relationship with him started to fall apart around 3 months after. He continually lied about what he had done, what was going on and what was going to happen in the future. He never ACTUALLY spoke to me about anything (something he says is because of me). I found out most thing via my mum and even learnt the amount and actual deeds in the newspaper. I won't go into specifics for his privacy, but he stole and obscene amount of money to fund his own lifestyle. He rented big houses (for only him 70% of the time), had two cars, spent weeks on expensive holidays, had 2 closets of clothes and the list is endless. However, he claims this money was used to pay off a large amount of debt he had...but that was all still there when he was found out (after 6 years of criminal activity). He blamed everyone under the sun for what he did...mostly my mother and once even claiming it was my fault.
Anyway, when he moved away, I stopped seeing him. I didn't want to stay in someone else's home, invading their space, and I didn't really want to see him. This went on for years. We spoke, as always, on the phone once a week but my brother (4 years younger, who was lied to for almost a year about what had happened at my dad's request) carried on seeing him most weekends. He periodically would ring me saying that I had deserted him, had no loyalty, was only interested in money and claimed that it would be my fault if anything happened to him. After I refused to confirm whether I would visit him in prison, he claimed that if he killed himself (which he threatened on several occasions) it would be my fault and I would have to live with that forever.
By this point I was utterly fed up of his lies and self-obsession. I had lost all respect and trust in him. Ever since I could remember, he had been a fraud. The past 6 years he had made up a personality to cover up what he was doing and feeling (mild depression). So the man I grew up knowing wasn't really my dad. Not to mention the fact that he had cheated innocent people out of money. And I was angry. Angry with him for doing something so selfish. He left my mum in an impossibly bad financial situation (which 6 years on is still causing her trouble) and continued to fail to take responsibility for anything he had done.
He went to prison for 18 months and I refused to go see him. I desperately needed space to get my head down and do my exams and get my head around everything. Fast forward to now and not much has changed. He now lives with his mother, about 1 hour away and I speak to him less and see him less. The relationship has all but fallen apart. I still cannot trust him. I feel really uncomfortable in his presence, so much so that I dread seeing him. I cannot look him in the eye and yet I cannot tell him how I really feel.
About a month ago, he rang me giving me an ultimatum on our 'relationship' saying I have to make more of an effort or we sever ties completely 'because he cannot take it anymore'. He says I continue to punish him and I stopped talking to him when he lost all his money (if this were true I wouldn't speak to a single member of my family). He periodically gets these crazy ideas in his head like Xmas day last year; when he claimed my mum had had an abortion and that my brother wasn't really his son. (all of which is unfounded). He sends abusive text messages, screams at his mum when she mentions his name to the neighbours, continues to lie about what happened and still refuses to take responsibility.
Now, he is very skilled at manipulation and right now I feel totally lost. On the one hand I have absolutely nothing in common with him, have lost all trust and respect and would be quite happy never to speak to him again. On the other, I have this deep guilt that it's all my fault, that I should have visited him in prison, that I am incredibly selfish and should forget what I feel and try and have a relationship with him because he is my father. He says that I keep twisting the knife and he can't take it any more. I can say to you all, I am not doing anything. I speak to him every Sunday and see him when I am at home and my bro goes to see him. The issue is that it is not enough for him. He wants more, he wants me to have a relationship with him like my mum, which we will never have. I don't like him. If he wasn't my father, I wouldn't be friends with him. But I don't know whether I am still angry and still can't get past all the hurt he has caused.
After that conversation, I cried for the first time in nearly 10 years. I felt so tired of this roundabout we keep riding. I'm not sure what to do. I will see him tomorrow and I am repulsed at the thought of him now, a whole 20 hours early. I am stressed about him and the pretending i will have to do in order to not upset him. Deep down, I am scared of what he will do if I tell him how I feel. I feel so spineless. Why can I not just be honest? Should I tell him and see how he reacts? Am I a horrible, horrible, selfish person for being like this? I feel like I am.
My apologies for the long post but I would be appreciative of any advice or thoughts anyone may have. Thanks very much.
Topic: Thoughts on relationship with father...advice?? (Read 850 times)
June 12, 2008, 07:43:23 PM
