toxic people including parents

[Agni]

Hello, I am not sure if anybody here remeber me, I have not been here for long time. last time one important for me matter makes me think. I noticed when I am as i am and meet normal people, both of us feel mentally comfortable in relationship. I know it because I get feedback about it from time to time. but  sometimes I meet such person who see what kind of person I am and after sometime he/she goes too far, gives me "advices" about I did not ask, tells me what i HAVE to do, suggests I am unworthy because i am not like he/she, shows me how much he/she "cares" about me, explains me that everything is because he/she cares me but do not notice that this "care" (sometimes  like investigation) suffocates me. the main such person who I met in my life is my MOTHER. after many, many years of struggling, after pouring many tears I discovered THAT ALL MY LIFE MY MOTHER WANTED ME TO BE WEAK AND FEEL GUILTY. And I idealized her all my life. Always she forbade me to do things which would may made me strong and brave. I do not know if you agree with me but people who have very poor emotionally life, whose life did not succeeded, who feel unworthy somewhere deep inside, who are from families with pathology are toxic. For example my mother never said something like ", oh, I love it" "I like it very much" "I hate it" "it makes me happy". never, I am serious. IN one moment of my life I decided "I am not going to be like my parents". But it is still very big effort for me, still great challange in spite of years since I have made this decision. But my progress gives me strenght, my progress and my friends. My father who is addicted to drinking alcohol, he is toxic too  but today we talk normaly by the phone and it is nice (he does not drink for longer time). My mother always when she calles me she tries to do her toxic tricks. But i recognize them, i must be trained in it. I forgive her but all I want is to leave me alone. I live in another city but she all the time tries to influence on my life. with no effect. I stopped being angry for it sometime ago. now I suffer from disease which is from feeling guilty, from being unable to tell my opinion, being not self-confident and so on. maybe I meet these toxic people because I have to change my attitude in order to get recover and live normally??? I feel I must learn it and it is training for me. my English is very poor, please if you want kindly to give a response use as simple words as is possible. I believe I can change myself and be like I want to be, i feel it I have alredy done it partly.

[liza123]

there are lots of toxic people we come across in our lives...we have to make the decision whether to have a relationship with them or not. of course, in the case of your parents, it is really very tough. just remember that at the end of the day, it is your life...your life is important. there is a destiny for you to fufill...handle toxic people bearing in mind that your life is important and you should not be sacrificing your life for the sake of these people...go out and mix with positive thinking people, make friends with such people...join any NGO and help others......as time goes, you will heal and gain your self-confidence...do not worry...time does heal...

you are aware of the influence of your parents...accepting the situation is the starting point...then, comes the part of taking action(what do you about it?)...i gave you some ideas in the first paragraph...

do not worry about your poor command of english...keep on communicating...we are here to help you in whatever we can...cheers

[SWM]

Hello agni,

i do remember you, and i pleased that you are back with us. 

you mention about some people that you are being with that make you feel uncomfortable by saying negative things. this is not an uncommon experience. many people have this way realting to others. a skill for you to aquire is how to be with this person and not be brought down by them.  to not let that person affect how you feel, that is a skill. it is a skill to learn to be with toxic people and not be affected by them, not react to their negativity. if you think of this toxic person with her words like a posion. when you now which words are posion you do not have to swallow the posion. there are many toxic people in the world. it is not just about you and what you have to overcome. but something that you can overcome is the struggle within yourself and your feeling of being trapped.

is your guilt because you feel that you should allow her to be more in your life?

[anaklio]

Sorry for your pain. This is a bit tangential. I recently read an interview with a billionaire. He said something that really struck me: To be successful, you have to attract good people. But even more importantly, you have to repel bad people. I'm usually all about people working things out, but sometimes you gotta distance yourself. I don't think you should ever cut people off, but  you might need to give your self a lot of space from them.