Unconsciously Sabotaging A Relationship

[girlfriday]

Are there any critical clues as to whether some one is unconsciously sabotaging a relationship? And can I create an conscious discussion about the underlying issues if this is the case?

A few months ago, I got back with my old boyfriend. I had previously broken up with him "out of the blue" and I recognize that he has a lot of anxiety about me rejecting him again. (He brings it up quite a bit, plays songs about people being randomly dumped, etc..)  (He has never been married and had only one long term (i.e., 4-5 year relationsip. The rest are generally less than 1 year.) I am in my mid-forties and he is in his early fifties.

I have my own issues in the relationship in that my ex-husband cheated on me so infidelity is a "trigger" for me. I see a therapist to work on these issues.

So this is where the unconscious sabotaging comes in...

Virtually, every week, something appears in his house that would indicate that another woman has been there (i.e., other woman's jewelry, cards from other women, clear nail polish, old used toothbrushes, etc.). When I bring it up -- he always has an explanation and just shrugs it off as "bad housekeeping", etc. Also, on the weekends that we are not together (I have a son), he has taken to not returing my text. I asked him about it and he says he just gets in aloof moods.

In my heart of hearts, I did not think he was cheating -- at least, not at first. Also, he is a very smart guy and if he was cheating, I think that he would do a better job of hiding it. That said, infidelity is my trigger and I am having a harder and harder time holding on to my trust. When I have talked about my eroding trust he just gets angry and saws I need to decide whether I trust him or not.

Unfortunately, recently, I have started thinking about breaking it off again -- I am feeling increasingly more vulnerable. But I am hesitant because I feel like he is creating this self-fulfilling prophency of me leaving him again. (Confirming the script that already plays in his head.) and if we could deal with his fear that I am going to reject him again may be things would stop happening.

Is there a way to get down to the bottom of this and deal with the underlying issues if it is unconscious sabatoge?

PS -- I recognize that no one is 100% to blame on any relationship issue.

[SWM]

hello

i am not sure if you think it is him or you that is unconsciouly sabotaging the relationship. any way
creating a discussion about the issues is probably the healthiest way forward. you are able to take ownership of your mistrust and you know that this is your issue. you can use this as a tool for breaking down his defences. when he gets angry you can take back the responsibilty. because his anger is likely to come from feeling accused of betrayal, you can take that accusation away by saying "no, this is is about my issue of mistrust and i dont accuse you, but i need you to help me by talkking about ...." 

i dont mean you have  to use my exact words but if you haqve the attitude of " i am not accusing  you i need you to help me work through my problems" then you might be able to generate a healthy discussion about his anger of being accussed and perhaps get to talk about his fear of being rejected.

[reira]

I've never experienced this kind of situation but in your case there's this something that I can't explain much. I know how you feel because he keeps on telling excuses every time your asking him that's really doubtful. If a person is so defensive then there is something that he's up to. Try to figure it out by spying although it's not a good thing to do but once you figured it out then you'll be at ease.

[wasd44]

It is impossible to say because this is just your side of the story.

Personally, if I found another guy's toothbrush or boxers in my apartment, I would jump to the obvious and true conclusion: cheating.

But the fact that you even take a moment to consider this as normal... hmm likely there is more to the story then you are letting onto

[crash]

A couple questions come to mind:
You say he is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy; is is possible that you are subconsciously sabotaging this relationship because it is easier when you see the breakup coming?

You say that infidelity is a trigget for you, could you be reading into this more than what you really should? That being said, it is unusual for a single man to have several miscellaneous women's items laying around. Does he have any regular female visitors such as daughters, nieces, sisters, etc...?

Does not return your pages, and says he is aloof? ...well maybe, did he do this the first time you were together?