Verbal Child Abuse? 14 Years Old, Help Please.

[ElaaniAmadeos]

I am really at a loss of what to do. Recently my family conditions have only gone downhill.

     My name is Sarah, I am fourteen years of age and I live in Texas. Normally I am a straight-A student, but due to a few issues I have been progressively getting more and more stressed, only to end up with B's and C's. Over the past few years (whether it be due to my mothers' lack of a job and my fathers' faring poorly, I do not know) my mother, father, and sister have seemed to gotten more violent. I am somewhat seeing things how they are and I am suspecting verbal child abuse. My parents' expectations for me are very high, which I can handle until they begin to bother me constantly.
     We literally have not had one normal conversation in months without it turning to a full-on argument with the usual yelling, screaming, cussing, and false accusations. Each of my three family members has their own abusive qualities it seems; my father beings cold and sarcastive, my sister being just a straight-out spoiled brat, and my mother being the not-so-typical annoying nagging parent. While I disagree and have the least in common with my father and sister, my mother is around me more often therefore she is the one yelling at me the most. As I mentioned earlier, my grades are dropping, family fights are much more frequent, I've gotten dreadfully depressed, lack of will, I cry and break down almost every night, some forms of self abuse in the past (although I do not do it anymore there are still many scars), I can hardly sleep, and the stress is enormous.
       My parents are both very strict. I am not allowed to take walks on my own, and rarely do they let me go anywhere. They make every little thing into some sort of monument and see things as negative, no matter what I do. I am criticized at every turn, even when I try to talk things out rationally with them. My mother accuses me of running away from the issue. Recently, during the usual fight with me mother about god-knows-what, I asked calmly for her not to interrupt me (as my family tends to do constantly) and she replied with, "I am the fucking parent I can do what I want!" making me suspect some sort of need to control. Sadly, I cannot recall any instance of direct physical abuse. Only a few times has my mother thrown something at me or my sister. . . But I'm not aware if that "counts" or not.
     I have several friends who live with families other than their own or who have legal emancipations. Honestly, I don't care what happens as long as I can get out of this family. However, I realize at my age there is a lot of tension between teen and parent; which is normal. I just don't know what to make of this. Is it just something wrong with me? Am I overreacting? Even after discussing this with my younger sister (age 12), I'm not sure. She has told me she cries every night as well. I do realize that a lot of her pain is self-inflicted though. She tends to overreact as well. Am I just doing the same? I'm fairly certain that I am at least a bit more mature and rational than she is. But I've also got more problems. Depression, OCD, possibly ADD/ADHD, I've done some research and I am guessing I have a fair chance at having D.I.D. as well. (I had some sexual abuse encounters from a cousin on my mothers' side, and yes, my parents know.) I remember reading somewhere that children who want to leave their family either have a mental disorder or have reason to want to. Either could be true in my case. But it still does not change the fact that I am determined not to let my parents ruin my life. I know very well what I want to do with it, and making such low grades is only complicating things.
     I've just recently begun therapy, supposedly for my acute OCD, but it has turned into a bit more than that. All my therapist and I have talked about is my family and their fighting. I needed help and I've been meaning to do this for awhile so I decided to post this and ask for opinions and advice rather than wait until next weeks' meeting. One problem with me and my therapist is that in contrast, she knows nothing. I get very emotional with this subject and my eyes tear up even at the slightest thought of it. Further on, I refuse to cry in front of people. So she knows not of my constant breaking down or me wanted to leave; so for now I am settling with typing it out on here. I want to know how to get out of here. I know things will not settle on their own, as my cousin has confirmed. . . 
     Of course there will be things I have forgotten, but when asked I will answer. I appreciate the time you've taken to read this, and any advice or criticism is greatly appreciated. . .

[voodoo scientist]

You already have a therapist. That is excellent, and a very good move to consult the Internet (this once only ) on your part since your problem involves the people who would normally be acting as your coach.

First off, I'm pretty sure this doesn't constitute abuse, but I can't say for sure across the Internet. Secondly, your framework is not constructive. Regardless of where the blame for your problem lies (and I don't mean to imply it doesn't lie somewhere), it is not a good idea to try to fix a psychological problem by finding the cause and then 'cutting it out' in either a hard, such as by emancipation in your case, or soft manner, such as by learning to block out your parents. This will leave you with both the same lacking adaptability when faced with a similar future problem, as well as a learned avoidant behavior. Whatever the hardships until now, this is a problem you will need to solve.

I don't mean to patronize you here so I'll keep the age-stuff curt, but on some level I think you should realize that you're 14:you're young and dumb and yadda yadda (you'll totally get this part in about ten years), but on the other hand and more importantly, this is also when you acquire the brains to really put two and two together and figure out that ma and pa are just people like everyone else, and people really tend to come with a lot of problems and baggage. It's almost impossible, or at least incredibly hard to imagine the decisions and forces that have shaped people in their 40s and up through their lives for a fourteen year old.

On some level, I think a lot of this problem stems from the fact that the situation is changing. You're obviously an intelligent and more importantly highly aware young lady, and for parents, it can require tremendous mental effort to understand and change your behavior to accord a new attitude, and on top of that, you're probably not making it very easy . Try to imagine how it feels when all at once, a person who has been almost unquestioningly positive and loving, and who you yourself love very much, can suddely perceive many of your shortcomings and in some cases, tends to get very pointy about them - sort of a "don't know your own strength" situation.

On their part, they fail to see that what used to be acceptable behavior for them is no longer acceptable (or helpful). It's important to be reasonably strict with a five, eight, ten year old, but at some point, behavior has to change to allow for independence, but there still has to be some degree of safety net and a reasonable degree of parental guidance (I wish I could think of a tastier way to put that...). This is an honest to your preferred deity difficult task for a parent, because it's not as clear-cut as you'd think to figure out what constitutes "safe independence" with all the crazy crap you kids think up.

This is a quite common and frankly quite logical situation. Concretely, you need to assert yourself without doing so by asserting yourself in the negative of your parents. You do this most successfully by showing (not telling) your parents that your way is a viable alternative to their way for you. Use your therapist to help you understand why your parents act the way they do towards you, so that you can understand how to act truly independently of your parents, instead of for or against them. Remember that your parents only want the best for you, even if sometimes they get pretty confused about it, and work with that. If doing what they say doesn't make you happy, then don't do what they say. If that doesn't make you happy, make up something new.

You still have to listen to your parents (not because they're your parents, but because you live with and depend on them and that's just a thing you'll have to get used to when living with and depending on human beings), but you don't have to behave according to what they say, and you don't have to justify yourself to them, though that goes both ways - the results will speak for themselves, for better or worse.

[gone]

What I notice about your post is that your household seems stressed, with your mothers lack of job and your father poorly, circumstances like this puts enormous strain on people and they need to release the anxieties somehow and I've found they usually release it by taking it out on another person. ie YOU.
This was the case in my strained household and like you I never cried or showed any emotion but I was deeply hurt by their ignorance or unreasonable treatment of me.  It becomes bullying in a way.
Now I have two children if I shouted at my daughter for her wrongdoings she would shout back at me. If I shouted at my son for his wrongdoings he would cry & go away hurt and upset, which sort of hurt me to see him upset. This made me realise if I had shown emotion and upset to my family  maybe they wouldn't have continued to take their stresses out on me. I became an emotionless being and therefore an ideal target, they could release their stresses on me without any comeback.
Maybe next time they get to you, try crying. Show that you're emotional and human and what they are doing to you is hurting you.

[ElaaniAmadeos]

     I understand the point you're getting at, and I know with age my views will change. . . But often I doubt wether I will make it until then. I had not quite stressed enough how bad my family's yelling and fighting is and, further, how it effects me. It is very very difficult to put into words. . . But I have tried everything. My therapist even told me of ways that have worked for others, but to no avail. I've tried talking calmly about it to them, yelling back (very out of character for me), crying in front of them, ignoring them, calmly affirming and going on with my business, everything. . .
     Recently I have had absolutely no free time and even less sleep. Even when I do have the tiniest bit of free time or sleep it is ALWAYS inturrupted. Every member of my family will burst into my room to yell at me; and if I lock the door it is only worse. I ask kindly before I go to bed to have some peace and quiet, but apparently that is too much to ask. . . And for free time. . . I have tons of homework. It wouldn't take so long if they didn't constantly yell at me. As I'm working they will walk into my room, criticize me of not being on-task or some other random accusation. My parents never allow me even one day off of school unless I'm sick, and even then they will yell at me to do my work. They see how exhausted I am every morning when I wake up, and progressively throughout the day, yet they refuse to let me get any sort of caffeine or other sources to stay awake. I've been so close to falling asleep in class (which I make sure to never do, I don't want to get behind in my studies and such).
     All of this has been going on for years. I turn fifteen years old on the 26th of this month. A majority of my friends at the high school are years older than me, due to the fact I skipped a grade, so even if they come over to my house they will become concerned over the yelling my parents will do in front of others. Even simply talking to my friends as I am breaking down freaks them out and makes them afraid of what I might do. I'll be honest; I have considered self harm again even as a temporary solution to get away from them, going to some sort of hospital would help give me a bit of time and possibly help my depression. But I also realize that this is not the best way to go about things. I've asked my parents if I could spend a night or two at a friends', but, as usual, they say no.  I won't run away no matter how much I want to as this will only further complicate things. . . A few friends have told me their parents have even offered to take me in (whether for just a small amount of time or permanant, I have no idea) but either way that is a huge burden for them to bear.
     And I apologize, this is a lot to say and I know everything is scattered, but I'm lucky to have enough time to type this up. Lastnight I stayed up very late doing my homework again but never completed it, as usual. . . My education is very important to me and after trying to fix this for a year or more, nothing has changed. I want to take action. The biggest thing is that I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of the yelling my parents would do when they found out; and if my "plan" failed, how they would then treat me afterwards. I will ask my therapist and a few friends if I am overreacting, but really I doubt I am. . . Now I just need help with what to do I suppose.

[ElaaniAmadeos]

     I've told them how I feel numerous times.

     I recall one time within the past year, both my mother and father were screaming at me for something while I sat on the couch curled up, screaming crying and breaking down. The kept going. I'd yell "Please stop!" and beg but nothing worked. This is the one time my sister and I have gotten along. My younger and only sister came in yelling at my parents for not quitting, exclaiming I'd done nothing wrong, and then made them go out to the guest house. I refused to talk for days. But after they went out to the guest house I ran to my room, locked the door, and continued to break down. That was my realisation point. I doubt it is lack of communication.

[gone]

You may not be over-reacting but I was started at your sentence "Sadly, I cannot recall any instance of direct physical abuse" WHY IS THAT SAD - that they have not PHYSICALLY ABUSED YOU?

I can only think if they had psysically hit you or something you may be offered a place in local authorative care.

And if you haven't experienced this how would you know it was any better? A lot of children suffer sexual, psysical and psychological abuse in care and it's not a place people choose to go.

What can you do you ask. Well you can either live with them until such a time you can leave and if your grades are good you could apply to study in another town and get a shared place away from them. This would mean accepting the situation as it is (not many people are happy - the world is not a happy place and most people are horrible),
Or you can leave, run away and join the circus or something similar. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
Personally I would look to the future, think about what I would want and begin to focus on making it happen. That maybe through education.

[Enigma]

I'm interested to know what exactly makes you think that you have dissociative identity disorder. 


Also, your therapist can't be much help to you if she doesn't have the full story; if you find it hard talking to her about these issues I'd recommend printing out your posts here and giving them to the therapist. 

Good luck.

[ElaaniAmadeos]

     I'm desperate to get out of here, even if only temporarily. I said sadly because I often wish they would have hit me at least once so I'd have a reason to leave in the eyes of others who don't fully understand. Of course I know that it is a place nobody should want to go; and I don't. But I would rather it be just a tad worse so that I could ultimately free myself. . . And trust me, I'm aware that the world is not a happy place. I understand that there are much more worse places to be than this but I'd be willing to take the chance, no matter how small. And heh, I've already gone over the whole running away thing. It would ruin my future; and I am looking toward the future. . . which is why I am attempting to take action to change things. Grades are important for a good future. This lowering of them is not helping whatsoever.
     Around age 6 or 7 I had some sexual abuse problems with my cousin, who was most likely around 16 years old at the time. I can remember almost every bit of my life. But after that time there are gaps in my memory. Even friends have told me that my "moods" change a lot; and I find it hard to answer specific questions. Simple ones such as my favorite animal, color, or food. Every today I'll try to remember little things that had just happened but I cannot. I hear things almost on a daily basis and see things that are obviously not normal. But who knows. With all the possibilities out there it could be anything. But I've been too busy to go through the rest of my "symptoms" or actually look for probably causes.

[acousticeagle]

Hmm, you sound very mature for a 14 year old; you use conceptual phrasings of someone a lot older than your years. It's quite extraordinary that amidst the confusion and strife in your household you are as elucidated into this 'situation' as what you appear to be.

Children at that age are going through that period between childhood and adulthood. Most of how they behave comes in part from the role modelling of parents, and, with that, identification with parents. Because of the constant input from those surrounding behaviours, it can be exceedingly difficult to see from outside - and look in - on the behaviours of the people that are closest, after all, these are the people that say that they love and care for each other the most in the whole family-bedrock dynamic thing. There can be excuses made, cover ups, and loyalties that can be very hard to deny.

Someone that has your amount of maturity-for-age should then, I think, be able to get on the investigation trail to find out where your circumstantial options lie. Would any child in that situation who can see things in the clear light as you have so well describe WANT to remain in the parental home - being as well aware of their own situation and the potential for [further] psychological harm? Some youngsters may well have other relatives to go live with for a period, so as to 'diffuse' the powder keg of dysfunctional family-member relationships.

On OCD: I think the root of this behaviour comes from fear. Who can really remain in an atmosphere of fear? The person with OCD needs to order their world into some sort of structure, as they feel as if they have lost control of it.

To me, the only way to really deal with this situation is to remove oneself from the damaging environmental circumstances - to a place of safety and peace - to place where the person suffering can breathe again.

btw, I find it curious you say your name is "Sarah" yet your member name appears to be a combination of a first and a surname. Any explanation offered for that?