Walking Away from Relationships

[mishmash]

I'm trying to understand the behavior of my ex and what would drive someone to do these things. Any insight would be appreciated, and sorry about the length, but it's a strange story. I left out a lot and tried to stay with the main issues.

When we met he said he knew from the moment he saw me I was the one, his true love, destiny, etc.
We had a daughter, married, and then had a son. His parents only saw their grandkids a few times before he suddenly cut off the relationship with his parents. He then cut off all communication with his siblings. He told me he was abused as a child and didn't want our kids to be abused. Growing up, our kids never knew their grandparents even though they live 30 minutes away.

Throughout the marriage, I caught him in numerous lies. Small and big. Some were just outrageous stories and he would throw tantrums when I finally started calling him out on them (towards the end of the marriage).

I found out he was having an internet affair, and was professing his love to someone he hadn't even met in person. Telling her the exact same things he told me (true love, etc), plus telling her he was in an abusive marriage (to go with his abusive childhood I guess).

He then told me he was thinking of quitting his job and moving halfway across the states to live with this woman he never met (all this happened within a week, so sudden and unexpected).
He told his son that his relationship with this woman was more important to him than his relationship to him (son). He told me privately that he didn't care if we ended up on the streets. The next day he leaves for work and doesn't come home until 5 days later. When he did, he basically gloated about his affair, then confessed to 2 others. I would never have suspected him of this, he never even looked at other girls when we would go out, and up until I caught him he was still professing his true love to me.

He then gave me a deadline of when to move out of the house, as he was planning on moving his new g/f and her son into the home. I was mostly a stay at home mom, so I had no real income, just a minimum wage part time job. I was ignorant of the law and had no where to go, so the plan was to move out of state to live with my brother. The kids (16 and 18) wanted to meet their grandparents before we moved, so I called them.

Turns out *everything* he told me about his childhood was either a lie or embellished. I also found out through his mother that he was married once before. He was married when we met and when our daughter was born. His first wife left the state to live with her parents, thus out of the picture. He even married me on the same day (different year) of his first marriage. I think this is the reason he severed the relationship with his parents, so I wouldn't find out, but that is speculation.

Things changed and I didn't move and his g/f didn't move out here either. But my ex refused to have anything to do with his children, even though we lived within minutes of each other. No phone calls, no birthday presents, nothing at Christmas. From the time he came back from his affair, he had nothing to do with them. At Temporary Orders he stated he wanted no custody or visitation. Now, during the marriage there were no huge fights or threats of divorce. We were married for 20 years and I'll admit things were bland, but nothing to justify what he was doing, especially to his kids. He balked about paying retro child support and finally had to have his wages garnished because he flat out refused to pay support on his own accord.

He was ordered to pay the mortgages on the house, but he let it go into foreclosure proceedings. He then packed up and left the state. He never told his kids (or me) he was leaving, where he was going, how he could be reached. He hasn't had any contact with them in over 2 years now.

So he moves in with this lady he only met 4-5 times (he flew out to see her during the separation).

I don't understand how someone could severe a relationship between the grandkids/parents to serve his own purpose, all the lying and deceit ( a lot of it he made himself out to be a victim of one thing or another), how someone can walk out suddenly and without warning on the most important relationships they have; his first wife, his parents, siblings, second wife, and kids. His personality is that of a charmer, a people pleaser, and everyone thought of him as a good guy. He even told his daughter when he got back from his 5 day 'vacation' that he was 'a real good actor'.

He seems to have no remorse or care about the people he hurt. He even made a comment on the 1 year anniversary of 9-11 that they should "get over it already". I found this to be very strange and off, but I think it might show some insight on his compassion or empathy??

Probably irrelevant, but this goes back to the 'true love' content. He said that when he was little he heard a voice that said one day he would find true love. Then he said when he was IM her (g/f), he heard that voice again that said the g/f was his true love, and not me.

Any thoughts or insight? I'm staying away from relationships in case this could happen twice.

[hortonpilot]

This guy thinks differently to you and it will be difficult for you to ever understand.
You are better off without him.
He may try to re-enter your life by lies of how he has seen the light , ignore them please.

The man is a nutter, sociopath.
His actions are what you need to think about very carefully. Betrayal, lack of loyalty and the fact that he puts his own needs before his family . this won't ever change.

You could take him on as a project to mend his ways but i don't like your chances, better to move on big time.

The kids don't need this kind of lack of care and i wonder how they deal with the parental love being so insulted?

Horton

[mishmash]

This guy thinks differently to you and it will be difficult for you to ever understand.
You are better off without him.
He may try to re-enter your life by lies of how he has seen the light , ignore them please.

The man is a nutter, sociopath.
His actions are what you need to think about very carefully. Betrayal, lack of loyalty and the fact that he puts his own needs before his family . this won't ever change.

You could take him on as a project to mend his ways but i don't like your chances, better to move on big time.

The kids don't need this kind of lack of care and i wonder how they deal with the parental love being so insulted?

Horton

Thank you, Horton. I guess the one thing that really got to me was how he was able to fool me in so many ways and for so long. I really doubt that he'll want to be a part of my life again, due to the fact that I found out how he truly is. I don't think he'll be able to deal with that and instead just move on to another (plus he has a bench warrant and won't be back to this state).

As far as the kids, they are doing better than I thought. They bonded back with their grandmother (grandfather since passed) and aunt and uncles. My son is angry about missing all the time with that side of the family; my daughter just tells new friends/acquaintances that her dad died.

[hortonpilot]

As i said this man is a sociopath.
display of loyalty is what counts as a parent, you put everything to aside for them.

Do not not underestimate him, he may retry.

Walking away is a sensible thing , as is not contact.
People think there is reconcilliation as a possible in all cases.
not so.

Sometimes the past just interferes with life.
For me it it did and it wasted some years , that person crept back into my life offering nothing .

Sociopaths are very good at seeing opportunity.
Don't feel bad, as i said their viewpoint doesn't resemble our basic ethical framework.

Horton

[acousticeagle]

I agree with Horton, this man is sociopathic. My ex had much similarities to what you have ascribed to your husband - the lies, the charm - a 'good guy'. Life for people like that is all about "them" and they'll leave victims in their wake. It's a tragic series of circumstances, terrible for you and your children because you've put so much faith/trust and emotional deposit into him as a husband and father. There's another thing I can empathise with - the man's total lack of being responsible. Apparently for some men when the supposed "true love" comes along, then that then becomes "The big excusable excuse" to run away from marriages/children/families. Not!!

And like Horton has said, if this man finds himself alone again and his dreamy-dream of 'true love' doesn't meet up to his childish expectations - do NOT take him back in any respect. Go and forge your own life of freedom and joy. Don't allow anyone to take those two precious things from you. The sociopath will try - try - to work on your sense of empathy. They are good 'cons'.  But you now know better, right?

 I'm glad that your children are now with the wider family. I wish you all the best.

[hortonpilot]

These sociopathic people should not be underestimated.
The fundemental thing as a parent is the nurturing instinct, these people do not have it .

I had a relationship with a female who falls into this catagory and it resulted in my life  being rail-roaded for some years , the worst was to come after we split, never to be left properly to get on with life.
 I kick myself for this on a daily basis.
There are parts of the parts i want to understand, like what happened to me and why i did not see what was happening more clearly. Part disbelief when i delve that people will do this to each other and seem to have so little conscience.
Better to put this aside and try and ignore the thoughts.

Do not let him back in any form as Acousticeagle says, they are persuasive.
Hopefully you won't feel any love for this person?

These scum suck your energy in that you have to think about them and protect yourself.
Sorry going off on a tangent of black thought , no way to be .
The sun is shinning outside, despite the cold.

Horton

[mishmash]

Thank you Acoustic and Horton for your insight and support. I'm sorry both of you had similar experiences, as it's traumatizing when you realize that the person you love and trust the most can think so little of you and disregard you like a pair of old sneakers.
Unless someone's been with someone like this, they don't understand the damage they cause.

I know what you mean about kicking yourself, as I kick myself for the 20 years I gave him when it was all a joke to him; I kick myself for not paying attention to those red lights. But you don't divorce someone for lying or making up a story. I guess it's when you look back and see the big picture.

The part of not nurturing their children, that struck a chord. He never played, disciplined, or paid attention to them; in that regard I failed my kids.
I remember when my daughter was 3, my mom took me aside and told me that she overheard him saying that he would love to throw her against the wall and watch her slither down. That statement was so uncharacteristic of him and so cold, I didn't believe he was capable of thinking that. So I disregarded it and wondered why my mom would say such things. But now...

There is no love for him anymore, as he's not who I thought he was. There's only some residual anger and bitterness left, but I'm slowly letting that go as it's only hurting me - I don't want to be a negative person because of my experiences with him.

I wish you both the best