Why are people so STUBBORN?

[k0r]

Well I didnt know if i were to put this in this section or another one, but this is mainly about my girlfriend.

Well me and my girlfriend tend to have arguments, and most of the time I am the "right" one in the argument.
Like ill sit here and just talk to her and tell her whats real, and it just doesnt get through to her at all.

Why is that? Is she afraid of the truth? Does she just not want to be wrong?

She would just get mad at me for the stupidest things, even if I havent even done anything wrong, say she does something.. she will find a way to twist it around and make it so im the bad guy and shes the victim.

And the thing is she knows ill give in to her so at times i feel that she does it on purpose and takes advantage of my kindness and what not.

Why don't people ever want to hear the truth? I don't know what to do to get through to her with my words.. She doesnt appreciate me.. and I dont know how to get her to..?

[SWM]

this question comes up a lot in various guises. there are a few threads already on the forum discussing this question.

what interests me just as much and i actually find harder to get to the bottom of it, is why people care so much about telling other people what the truth is.

[SWM]

in relation to your partner you say that she may do this on purpose. do you think she may be trying to impose a hierarchy. does she like to be in control?

[hortonpilot]

What SWM says is just so.

But beyond that exists a state where two people work together and co-operate.

To arrive at this point both people must become aware of how wasteful and destructive some of the games that couples play are.
Time and energy spent just prevent you from doing positive things and getting ahead in some respects.

Some people sulk for days and longer causing ongoing bad feeling and worse........
Pay-backs for stufff..............
Real stuff needs to be identified?
When you or the other person identify the stuff do something like being honest?
Some partners spoil the day very deliberately, you should think about if you want this stuff in your life?
Either you deal with it and change or you live with it!

Time to chose?

Horton

[pert -5]

what interests me just as much and i actually find harder to get to the bottom of it, is why people care so much about telling other people what the truth is.

The answer is self-validation, of course. 

[hortonpilot]

Try looking from her point of view and how she might see you?

She might feel bullied ?

but then she might be a emo cripple you have taken pity on....

Hard to know , but then if she is otherwise happy and well adjusted .....

Horton

[wittoled]

I personally agree with SWM.  It only took me a couple of decades to figure out that my nonconfrontive wife was passive aggressive because I'm very confrontive and she needed to be in control.  Ironically I also figured out about the same time that I wanted her to be in control all along.  Life is definitely like a box of chocolates LOL!!!

[S. Earl Martin]

Motivational factors and reinforcement. What is it or are they doing and how can your actions effect it/them directly or indirecty? To change someone else is difficult. We can change ourselves. So if we modify our actions to influence their perceptions or reality they may be more willing to change. Many people fear direct action and become "stubborn". They need a reason to change or to let their guard down. Also I have found some people appear to be stubborn because they are concealing something. If they change the person they are decieving may find out their secret. The question I try to ask is am I the one being stubborn? Blessings

[voodoo scientist]

There are some very basic questions you seem to have missed entirely:

Am I right from other perspectives than my own (and if so, which, and am I right from her particular perspective?)?
Are we experiencing the same conversation the same way (and if not, what is the operational difference)?

The problem appears to be you more than her. You may or may not be right about the topics you imply having discussed, but you can never convince anyone you are right if you can't answer those questions.

[NAsa]

Also I have found some people appear to be stubborn because they are concealing something. If they change the person they are decieving may find out their secret.
   I agree with you.But  I think when we are obstinate,we deceive ourselves first of all. Sometimes we  understand that we aren`t right but we can`t  admit our mistakes.That`s our weakness.So we want to find reasons to discharge ourselves.
 Although people can be stubborn because of a high opinion of themselves.All in all I think we have to remember about the golden mean.Sometimes stubborneness can help us in our life but sometimes it can ruin our relations with somebody and it`s a problem.....

[DevilsAdvocate]

Can you give us an example of a conversation you two have had recently? I have two theories. One, I concur with Pert. You feel like you have to earn the title of "Right" in order to feel satisfied with yourself and when she refuses to give in, then you get upset and frustrated. The second theory is more about her. Maybe her competitive nature gets in the way and it "burns her toast" to let you win all the time. Are you a verbal ball hog? Have you said, when it is valid, "Babe, your right." And not gloat when she admits that you are. Ok, so that was a fib, it looks like both theories are more about you than her. Sorry about that,

[ruben]

I think some people just want an ego stroking, if your smart enough to know shes in the wrong, then like an adult to a child you will need to stroke her ego. For example "that is a good choice but i still think this 1 might be better" if you put emphasise on the word might it might help lol. Because then the other person gets to feel like they have some control in the situation and will respect you for it. I dont think crushing there ego helps as i you and many others have probably tried and tested that 1

[S. Earl Martin]

ruben: That is an example of neutral language. It is used in mediation. Instead of saying you did this or I want this. The focus is on the outcome. Positions and interests. Everyone has their position. What they see as important for themselves. To focus on interests. What is best for everyone involved can lead to compromise.  Love is a choice.