Women and Men

[SavCat]

Hi everyone, I'm Dr. Dan Bochner.  I'm a psychologist and author of two books, the latest of which is printed in its entirety on my website, http://www.DrBochner.com.  The following article covers the basics on the differences between men and women (although really our similarities are greater than our differences).  I hope you enjoy it.

“The basic discovery about any people is the discovery of the relationship between men and women.” 
—Pearl S. Buck


Women and men are clearly very different, but I don’t think we’re from other planets.  In fact, people of all kinds, regardless of gender or race, are a lot more alike than different.  Our emotions are derived from the need for love, for companionship and desire, for safety and independence.  We’re all motivated by success, no matter how differently defined.  Loss makes us depressed, whether it be loss of love, loss of hope, or loss of trust.  We all like to win.  No one likes to lose.  Whether or not we’re in control, feeling things are within our grasp is generally desirable.  We all can feel overburdened with the responsibility of caring, but we all need relationships (to a higher power even when not with others).  One thing is absolutely definite on this matter.  First and foremost, men and women are earthlings.  Nevertheless, it also can’t be denied that the roles we’ve played through time, and by design, make us different too.

   We need only extrapolate from the obvious physical differences between the sexes to understand what the psychological differences might be.  That is, women bear children and are more naturally soft to the touch while men develop strength and are more naturally rough and coarse.  The roles the sexes have played throughout time have clearly been delineated along these lines.  Because women bear children and because men are more likely to be bigger, stronger, and faster, each has been more likely to develop psychological characteristics suitable to the roles their biological differences determined for them.  No one can know for sure whether these differences in psychological characteristics were innate from the very beginning.  But there can be little doubt that gendered personality characteristics exist and that they are either innate or have apparently become biological over time simply due to the force of nature’s influence.  Human beings develop tendencies over time that make them adapt to the necessities of their environment.  Since women have spent more of their time watching over and nurturing their offspring, they developed psychological abilities and tendencies that helped them take care of the home-fire and nurture others.  Since men have spent more of their time hunting for meat and protecting the family unit, they developed those psychological abilities and tendencies that helped them hunt for food and guard the family.  These appear to be the greatest differences between the sexes.     

   That is, women are like nurture/nesters and men are like hunter/guardians.  Although women are often fantastic at accomplishing tasks, and many women are much better at it than many men, there is a general tendency for most women to be best at those tasks that make use of nesting skills.  For example, many times, but not all the time, women are especially skilled at accomplishing tasks because they include, as part of their approach to those tasks, the ability to nurture.  Women are much more likely to make good use of encouragement and connection with others within a group setting than are men.  Quite often, it is also noticed that women will bring a superior multitasking ability to their work.  That too likely derives from the necessity to do many things at once in the process of nesting, which includes child-rearing, making a suitable home, feeding, and preparing for the future.  Nesting skills involve nurturance, nurturing, connection, communication, and making people feel good and understood.  Although women do often like independent activities, most activities in which they engage involve direct care for others, and most of their pleasurable activities involve others as well.

   Men, on the other hand (and as stated above), are like hunters or guardians.  They can be great at child-rearing and nurturing, and many men are much better at it than many women, but there is a general tendency for most men to be better at defining and completing clearly circumscribed tasks as would be necessary in hunting or guarding.  Many times, but not all the time, men are especially good at accomplishing group tasks if it is important to specifically manage the role each participant must take.  That is, men are more likely to be good at telling people what to do without mincing words or having second thoughts.  In a group hunt, or when a group is to protect a community, the ability to see each person’s role in an instrumental way would be essential.  It can also often be noticed that men are less likely to be distracted in their tasks by the aspects of those tasks that are outside their role.  It seems quite likely that designing specific plans, and careful follow through on those plans, are skills that were developed in the process of hunting and guarding, which include protecting the family, providing a home and food, and providing for the future.  Hunting skills include “bringing home the bacon,” getting things done, meeting goals, and getting people motivated to move forward.  Although men do get involved in group activities, it is generally the independence they express, either in groups or while alone, that defines their character, and many of the pleasurable activities in which most men engage do not necessitate the involvement of other people.

   Even with all that said (and I hate to repeat myself, but due to the sensitivity of the issue it is likely necessary), it is so important to remember that we are much more alike than different.  It is also extremely important to remember that in many individual men and/or individual women these gendered differences seem to be either completely or almost completely untrue.  But these differences do hold true so often that defining them, and developing and understanding them, is essential in helping many couples.  People, in general, believe too much that others are just like we are, which actually leads to misunderstandings.  If we believe others know they should see something just as we do, and then they do something different, we are far too likely to believe they have purposely done something hurtful even if they truly had the best intentions.  With that in mind, what follows are the primary ways that gendered differences are so commonly exhibited within relationships.  Understanding these differences can lead to increased understanding where previously certain actions have been thought to be evidence of bad intentions.  As will be seen, understanding these differences is often very helpful in developing communication between men and women in relationships.

   The most salient difference between the sexes involves their disparate approaches to problem solving.  The typical scenario involves the woman seeking acknowledgment and understanding for a problem she’s experiencing, as befits her desire for connection.  Of course the man, instead of providing the sought after intimate connection that would help his mate feel nourished in her time of need, starts to offer solutions, as befits his desire to get the job done.  That is, the man tries to fix the problem instead of understanding his mate’s needs.  Strangely enough, the man cannot even fathom what could be wrong with offering his solutions.  Really and truly, he has the best of intentions.  Unfortunately, he just does not see the possibility that listening, connecting, and reassuring are the actual goal.  In his mind the goal must be to fix the problem.  The woman, on the other hand, may be very upset by the problem she is experiencing, but she either doesn’t need a solution because she already assumes it will work itself out, or she simply believes it’s part of life and must be tolerated.  She may even want to find a solution, but that is not the primary reason for her communication.  Mostly, the woman often wants to be able to express how she is feeling so she will be understood by her mate who can offer the connection she seeks, which then soothes her and makes it possible for her to either tolerate the problem or find her own solution.  When the man does offer solutions, because the woman does not feel the connection she seeks, his efforts often lead to a breakdown in understanding, the problem is left unsolved, and the woman feels no benefit from her effort at communication.

   When a man has a problem, on the other hand, he typically expresses it only because he is announcing his solution to handling the problem.  He doesn’t want solutions offered any more than the woman does.  Unlike women, who at least look to communicate about problems, men will mostly seek alone time when they have a problem.  During that alone time, men will often try not to think about the problem, but rather will wait for a solution to come to them spontaneously.  When a man does express some kind of problem, and is announcing his solution, women cannot fathom that men are not looking for connection and understanding.  Rather, men are more likely looking for recognition and respect, since they are announcing a solution to a very difficult problem they believe they have solved.  That the woman tries to offer support is viewed as insulting by the man, similarly to how a woman can often view the man’s problem -solving tactics as insulting when she brings up a problem.  By offering connection and understanding through her assistance, the woman is experienced by the man as providing the opposite of respect and recognition because the man sees that assistance as a rejection of the solution he has presented.  This feeling of rejection within the man often leads to a total breakdown in communication, and thus the woman’s bid for connection leads to its opposite, and the man feels his solution is not supported by the woman. 

   The breakdown in communication men and women experience can often turn to arguing as well.  The hunting and nesting view of men and women in relationships is quite instructive in understanding the general patterns of argument between the sexes.  How often do men complain, or joke in support of one another, about their mates’ amazing ability to remember every hurtful thing their man has ever done?  This amazing ability women possess undoubtedly comes from the great import they assign to taking care of their loved one’s feelings.  Women need to perceive emotions in order to care for them, which thus elevates the importance of emotion.  The great understanding of emotions women exhibit may also develop from the need to perceive the relative safety or trustworthiness of those allowed close to offspring or the home.  Because emotions are so important in taking care of others and in judging the safety of others and situations, women remember quite well being wronged or hurt.  Interestingly, women often do not even believe they have done hurtful things themselves because they believe they try to be so sensitive to others.  It’s hard for women to believe they could actually hurt others with their opinions and criticisms because their intention in expressing them is to make sure others are cared for, or to teach their man how to be more sensitive to them.  For women, the back-dripdrop issue in arguing often involves whether or not they can trust their man to be close to them.  Thus their emotions are an essential sensor and tool, and their memory is often directly related to the emotional impact of an event. 

   When men argue, they typically believe the argument is about the current situation and figuring out what to do about it.  The fact that women bring up what the man has done so many times before seems almost immaterial to the man, who looks at this situation as different from all the others.  The woman’s point about the past is that intimacy in the relationship is being damaged by the repeated bombardment on her ability to trust.  She is actually fighting about who the man is or about his character.  The man doesn’t see that trust is the issue.  The man assumes an instrumental view of the circumscribed problem at hand and separates the past from the current situation in order to see things as clearly as he possibly can.  In fact, the man’s not especially concerned about trust in the moment, and his trust for his mate is much less often brought into question.  Although men are certainly concerned about trust, their view of themselves as independent makes them mostly believe they can go it alone, thus making trust a far smaller issue for them.  Because the historical view brought out by the woman is, in fact, a challenge to the man’s trustworthiness or character, the man does not perceive it as a bid to make him more sensitive, but rather as an attack on his character.  Quite often arguments between men and women are not about the topic at hand at all, but rather for the woman it’s about not trusting and needing more intimacy which requires trust, and for the man it’s about proving the integrity of his character or about not being allowed independence.

   The hunters versus nesters dichotomy is also helpful in understanding what makes most men and most women feel good within interactions.  As stated above, because men are like hunters or guardians, they look for respect and recognition from their mate as the mainstay of their self-esteem.  Nothing makes a man feel better than his mate expressing her feeling that he is a good provider or protector.  Expressing the opposite, that a man fails to provide or that he might leave his family vulnerable, sinks a man to the lowest depths. 

   As a subset to recognition, men view the material things they acquire as prizes for their achievements.  In a way, they view gifts as prizes that acknowledge their achievements, and to whatever level they do achieve, they like to give themselves prizes as well.  The bigger the prize, the more the man feels he is being recognized as a good hunter or guardian.  The prize is often something expensive, but sometimes the biggest prize a man could want is the wife’s recognition of his desires and her willingness to satisfy those desires.  When men give their mate something that is expensive, they view it as the greatest possible acknowledgment of their mate’s worth because big prizes are what they themselves desire.  Sometimes a man views as one of his greatest gifts his great attention to detail with respect to satisfying his woman’s desires.  When women wonder aloud whether their mate truly put any real thought into that fabulously expensive gift just given, or whether their man’s desire to satisfy was more for him than them, men cannot understand how their intentions were misunderstood because they truly intended that their gift express the utmost affection, just as a similar gift from the woman would have been interpreted by the man as true appreciation. 

   Women, on the other hand, look for confirmation of their specialness and want to feel desired and treasured by their mate, thus they aim to reach a deeper intimacy or connection.  They want their mate to want to spend time with them, much more than to spend money on them.  Nothing makes a woman feel better than when her man extols her singular qualities, her inner beauty and powers of attraction, her special character traits and her unique skills.  When a man treats his mate as ordinary or compares her to others who he deems to be similar, when he acts as though she means nothing special to him, a woman’s relationship self-esteem withers to nothing. 

   While men view the big gift as recognition of their achievements, women generally view the thoughtfulness of others as indicating the highest compliment because it demonstrates thinking about their special needs and traits.  The more thoughtful a gift or group of gifts given, the more treasured and cherished a woman feels.  When a woman gives a man many gifts, each representing a special need or desire she knows he has, she intends him to feel as special as possible.  When men wonder if the woman’s many gifts suggest avoidance of buying them the one big thing they truly wanted, women cannot understand how their intentions were misunderstood since they truly intended their gifts to express the most perfect understanding of who their mate truly is.  Typically, if a woman were to receive a gift similar to the one she gave, she’d feel it was the best gift imaginable.  When the man takes each thoughtful part and puts it aside, seeming disappointed that he didn’t receive the big gift desired, women are often quick to be hurt for the man’s lack of recognition about just how truly special and thoughtful the gift truly was.

   The hunting and nesting patterns are often so much a part of male/female relationships, that they actually affect almost every aspect of how men and women view their roles together.  It can often be observed that men and women are trying very hard to please one another, but each do it in ways the other can’t understand.  Men are so goal oriented in their view of relationships that they see pleasing their wife as the primary goal in making their relationship good.  But because the man believes pleasing his mate will come from providing and protecting better, moving to a bigger house or a more serene community, he neglects the connection part of the relationship, which includes cherishing and treasuring.  Women are so connection oriented in their view of relationships that they see pleasing their husband, not as a goal, but as a way of becoming more connected.  The woman offers recognition in the form of wanting to spend time with her man, thinking that her desire to do so expresses the recognition and respect he must want.  However, because the woman sees connection as a goal in and of itself, and because while she is connecting she craves true two-way understanding and does not give credence to her mate’s need for having light shown on his achievements, she can often neglect the man’s need for recognition and respect.  Men please women to be good at pleasing, while they fail to connect, and thus fail to please.  Women please to connect, but fail to give recognition, and thus fail to please.

   The answer to this riddle involves recognizing that men and women truly are different.  It is generally the case that we try to communicate with others as though those others feel about things in the same way that we do.  But if different people are truly different, and we try to incorporate our understanding of that difference into our communication, we can start to have better relationships.  Too often men treat connection or any kind of nesting behavior as unnecessary or relatively unimportant.  Too often women treat any kind of independent, goal-directed behavior, or any kind of hunting/guardian behavior as either unnecessary or as de facto parts of life.  If men can’t see the importance of connection and nesting, they will never understand that their mate’s need to be treasured is the number one prize a woman can receive.  If women can’t see just how hard their mate tries to be that great hunter/guardian and get things done, they will never understand their mate’s greatest need, which is to be recognized and respected as a great provider and protector. 

   On the other hand, if in a relationship members of a couple want to accept that men and women are different, then it becomes possible for them to please one another in just the way that will make each of them get what they truly need from the relationship.  If a woman wants to treat her man as the most special person to her, sure she should spend time with him.  While she does, however, she should be sure he knows just how much she recognizes his efforts at providing for and protecting the family, and she should do her best to appreciate his independence and his ability to find solutions to difficult problems.  Save your time when it comes to gifts.  Just get him the big thing you know he really wants or accept and meet his desires as they are without expecting that they always involve connection.  If a man wants to give his wife respect and recognition, sure he should spend more time with her.  While he does, however, he must be sure she knows just how special she is and how much he treasures her.  He must desire a connection with her and make an effort to stay as close with her as possible in seeing the importance of her concerns and valuing her unique way of seeing things. 

   In short, the correct understanding of the opposite sex leads to a simple solution for healthy relationships.  Since men are goal oriented, they must attempt to see their goal as creating a feeling of specialness and intimacy with their mate.  Men must attempt to demonstrate how much they treasure their mate, not by bestowing great gifts, but by being as thoughtful as possible.  Since women are connection oriented, they must attempt to be as connected as possible with who their mate really is, including his desire for independence and his need for recognition, rather than supposing a good connection with him means he should desire the same kind of closeness as does she.  If a man achieves the goal of making his mate feel special, and a woman truly connects with her man as he really is, they might just see together the fact that neither of them is from either Mars or Venus.  Nevertheless, although they might not be from Venus or Mars, with the right goal for the man, and the correct kind of connection for the woman, the health of their relationship together might just blossom into other-worldly proportions right here on Earth.